Straight Man

that things are changing. Forces of nature, Hank, pure and simple. We’re fresh out of baby boomers. The colleges that survive the decade are going to be lean and mean. Efficient.”
    “Efficient?” I say. “Education?”
    “You bet.”
    “Higher education?”
    “Lean and mean.”
    “Well, it’s always been mean,” I concede.
    “And it’s gonna get lean. Soon.”
    I try not to show how little I like the sound of this.
    “Nobody can stop what’s going to happen,” Dickie assures me. “You can’t stop a tidal wave. All you can do is find high ground and take your friends with you.”
    Here it is again. I can be Dickie’s friend if I want to be.
    “You’re saying I get to save my friends? Watch my enemies drown?”
    Dickie contemplates my question. “Here’s what I’m saying. I know there have been lots of rumors, so I’ll tell you what I can. The sad truthis that the chancellor has given me a mandate. Not just me. I wish it were. But it’s systemwide. All the campus executive officers. Every one. I have to come up with a plan to reduce staff and costs, across the curriculum, by twenty percent. There’s no guarantee that such a plan will have to be implemented. But it has to be drawn up. Twenty percent.”
    I can’t help smiling at this. “If we’re going to save Hank Devereaux’s friends and drown his enemies, we can cut a lot more than twenty percent.”
    “Don’t sell yourself short,” Dickie advises, apparently concerned for my self-esteem. “You’re widely respected on this campus. You’re a gifted and popular teacher and a well-published author. You may think that those of us on this side of the pond don’t know who our good people are, but we do, believe me. I in particular keep my ear to the tracks.”
    When Dickie says this, I can’t help thinking of William Cherry, who apparently did exactly this and had his head borne away and deposited in Bellemonde. For a moment I picture this happening to Dickie.
    “Did I say something funny?” he wants to know.
    “Not at all,” I assure him. “Let me see if I understand. I tell you who to fire and you just do it. You think that’s something we can get away with?”
    Dickie leans back on the arm of the sofa, locks his fingers behind his head. His armpits, I notice, are not even damp. I, on the other hand, am sweating, and this may be one of the things that Dickie is enjoying. Because he clearly
is
enjoying himself. “I don’t think you fully comprehend. It’s
not
doing it that we can’t get away with,” he says, pausing to let this sink in. “Because if we don’t do it, somebody else will. Somebody who may be less discriminating than we are.”
    “I get it,” I say. “It can be done well or badly. That’s our choice.”
    “And you wouldn’t tell me who to fire, Hank. I wouldn’t burden you that way. You wouldn’t want such a thing on your conscience. Besides, that’s not what you’re paid for. If such a thing has to be done, it’ll be effected by people whose job it is. No, you’d simply suggest a set of criteria. On the basis of those criteria, I’d be advised who is indispensable to your department, so I don’t compromise your mission. After consulting with the academic deans, I would make recommendationsbased on your advice. The president of the university would act on
my
recommendations. The chancellor on his.”
    “All of which would be based on mine?”
    He shrugs a concession. “Why would I want to ignore your recommendations? You’re the expert. If I went off on my own, I could find my hmm-hmm in a sling.”
    “I see how that could happen.”
    He nods, rocking gently, hands still behind his head. “Hank, I’ll be honest. I know a little about you. Heck. I know a lot about you. I know you’re on record as saying your department is full of burnouts. Now’s your chance to fashion the kind of department we could all be proud of.”
    “
I
said the English department was full of burnouts?” I ask. It’s true I’ve thought it often enough, but I can’t think of who I’ve said it to that would have repeated it to Dickie Pope.
    “Never mind.” He waves this off. “You did, and you were right. Remember. This is just us. Just you and me. Nobody knows what gets said here. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t point something out to you, because I know you’re a man of integrity and this might not occur to you. You want to know the best part, from
your
standpoint? Number one. There’s no guarantee