Sullivans 06 - Let Me Be the One

she was way too close to throwing herself at him and begging him for more of that pleasure. And all the while, he was going about his regular business in the kitchen, turning down the gas burner before he plated more eggs and bacon and toast.
    How many times when they were kids, and then this week, had she watched women throw themselves at Ryan?
    He was always kind, even when he was taking advantage of his allure—and especially when he wasn’t—but Vicki knew she’d never be able to look herself in the eye if she became one of those women.
    Worse, she couldn’t stand the idea of Ryan worrying about how to let her down easy.
    She waited until he slid into the seat beside hers before planting a smile on her face and saying, “Last night sure was weird, wasn’t it?”
     
    * * *
     
    Ryan felt everything go still.
    Especially his heart.
    When he’d looked up to see Vicki standing at the top of the stairs in his robe, swallowed up by the thick blue fabric, he’d been so full of love he’d almost called it out to her right then. But he’d thought there’d be time for that soon, that he could at least let her eat breakfast first before he took her back to bed and opened his heart up to her completely.
    “Weird?”
    Vicki nodded before taking a large gulp from the coffee cup he’d placed in front of her, then swore. “Ow, that’s hot!”
    He automatically got up to fill a glass of cold water for her, but his limbs felt strange. Robotic. As if he was only just learning to use them. He handed her the glass and she thanked him as she took it. He watched the lines of her throat as she closed her eyes and swallowed.
    He swallowed hard, too, as he sat back down at the table. He’d been starving when he woke up—great sex always revved up his metabolism—but now it felt like a heavy weight had descended into his hollow gut, pushing out any room for food.
    Vicki put the empty glass down. “You’re always my knight in shining armor.”
    She smiled at him, but he’d learned to recognize that smile over the past few days. While it looked real to the naked eye, it was far from it. He didn’t know what the hell was going on here, but he was damn well going to find out.
    “What’s wrong, Vicki?”
    She shook her head. “Nothing.” Again came the smile that wasn’t really a smile. “I just want you to know that I know last night didn’t mean anything.”
    Again, his heart stopped beating. Right there, with one final thud beneath his breastbone, any doctor worth his salt would have declared Ryan dead.
    The night they’d shared had meant everything.
    He’d begged her to let him love her. And he’d thought she understood that being together was about so much more than just their bodies coming together and finding pleasure.
    How the hell had he been so wrong?
    In his stunned silence, she continued, “I mean, the sex was super good and everything—” She flushed at the word good . “—but we both know it was just one of those things that happens when an available man and woman are around each other a lot, you know?” She didn’t wait for him to agree or disagree before adding, “And with trying to convince everyone all the time that we’re really together, it was inevitable that we’d forget for a little while it was just pretend, and have sex.” She reached for the coffee again. “Just to take the edge off, and all.”
    She put the mug to her lips again, but this time she was careful not to burn herself.
    Ryan didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to say. He couldn’t imagine not touching her naked skin again, not being able to kiss the pulse that throbbed so fast just below her chin, not feeling her buck and cry out beneath him as he filled her.
    Everything he’d thought he’d gained in those sweet, dark, perfect hours with Vicki in his arms had just been yanked from him so swiftly and abruptly that he could almost taste the loss of her on his tongue.
    But even as he felt that loss, he knew there was only one thing that could be worse than losing the lover who had made him forget any other.
    Losing his best friend would be the worst of all.
    Which meant that if Vicki thought she’d made a mistake by sleeping with him—and if he didn’t want to lose her as a friend, too—he had to agree.
    “So,” she asked in a voice that trembled so slightly only someone utterly attuned to her the way he was would have heard it, “are we still okay?”
    It was the anguish in her eyes that got him