Tales of the City 02 - More Tales of the City

through. Papa says that’s OK, though, because we can sell them for juice. I’m doing my best to help Papa, but you know how he is around harvest time. Just kidding.
    Papa says for you not to worry because we’re getting about $3.50 a box, and anyway overall production is up, even with the freeze and all. The only problem now is with the homosexuals.
    I guess you don’t know about that. It all started when the Dade County Commission passed a law in favor of homosexuals. It said you can’t refuse to hire homosexuals or rent to them, and Anita Bryant spoke out against this, being a Christian mother of four and Miss America runner-up and all, and all the normal, God-fearing people in Miami backed her up 100 percent.
    We didn’t think too much about it, of course, because we don’t have near as many homosexuals up here as they do in Miami. Papa says they like the ocean. Anyway, pretty soon this organized group of homosexuals tried to force the Citrus Commission to take Anita Bryant’s commercials off TV. Can you imagine? Anita said go right ahead, if that was what she had to do to make it safe for her children to walk the streets of Miami. God bless her.
    I wouldn’t know so much about this, except that Etta Norris (Bubba’s mother) stopped by Tuesday to watch Oral Roberts on our new color set, and she said she was signing up folks in Orlando to support Anita Bryant’s group, Save Our Children, Inc. I signed right away, but Papa said he wouldn’t sign because you were a grown man and no son of his needed saving from any homosexuals. I said it was the principle, and what if the homosexuals stopped drinking orange juice? He said most homosexuals didn’t drink orange juice, but he signed anyway.
    We had our first meeting last night in the VFW room at Fruitland Bowl-a-Rama. Etta said the important thing was to show Anita Bryant that we support her. She also said we should put in something about how we aren’t prejudiced but we believe that homosexuals aren’t good examples for children in school. Lolly Newton said she thought the teacher part was important too, because if the teacher is standing up there being sissy all day, the pupils are bound to turn out sissy too. Ralph Taggard seconded the motion.
    Your father kept telling me to hush up and don’t be a damn fool, but you know me, I had to put in my two cents worth. I stood up and said I thought we should all get down on our knees and thank the Lord that someone as famous as Anita Bryant had stepped forward to battle the forces of Sodom and Gomorrah. Etta said we should put that in the resolution, so I felt real proud.
    Reverend Harker said maybe we shouldn’t say anything about the rental part, because Lucy McNeil rents the room over her garage to that sissy man who sells carpets at Dixie Dell Mall. Lolly said that was O.K. because Lucy had done it of her own free will, and besides, it was easier when you could tell they were homosexual. That way you could warn your children.
    I guess I sound like a real crusader, don’t I? I hope you don’t think your old Mama’s being a foolish idealist. I just believe the Lord made us all to carry out His Holy Word.
    I saw Bubba at Etta’s this morning. He’s such a nice young man. Goodness! I can hardly believe it’s been over eight years since you and him used to go camping at Cedar Creek. He asked after you. He’s teaching history at the high school now and still isn’t married yet, but I guess it’s mighty hard to find the right girl these days.
    Blackie didn’t like the freeze much and just lays around the house looking tired. I’m afraid we might have to put him to sleep. He’s awful old.
    Take care of yourself, Mikey. We love you very much.
    M AMA
    P.S. If you need reading for your trip, I recommend Anita Bryant’s autobiography. It’s called “Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory.”

The Getaway
    O N THE EVE OF THEIR MEXICAN CRUISE, MARY ANN and Michael huddled conspiratorially over their suitcases. “Maybe,” grinned Michael, “if we rolled it up in some Kleenex and stuffed it in your bra …”
    “That’s not funny, Mouse.”
    “Well, look: we don’t have to take it off the ship. It’s not like we’ll be smoking it on the street in Acapulco. Hell, we won’t even see a customs agent until we get back to L.A.”
    Mary Ann sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I used to be a Future Homemaker of America, Mouse.”
    “So?”
    “So now I’m smuggling dope into Mexico.”
    “And