The Beginning of After

with me in the middle of the New York Yankees rug on the floor of Toby’s room. Lucky lay purring crazy loud between us as I rubbed her belly and Meg scratched under her chin. She liked taking a break from the kittens, who were sleeping in a pile at the back corner of the dog crate Eve had lent me.
    “She looks good,” said Meg.
    “I know, I can’t believe how much weight she’s gained in just three weeks. Eve gave me the recipe for a cat power meal that makes a big difference.”
    “Eve knows all,” said Meg sarcastically, but I didn’t respond and instead, glanced up to the solar-system mobile on the ceiling, which was twirling slowly and almost halfheartedly.
    When I came into the room the day I saved Lucky’s life, it was the first time it had been opened since Nana had to find Toby’s good suit for him to be buried in.
    While I had been able to go into my parents’ bedroom a few times to look for things, neither of us could open Toby’s door. We never talked about the stuff issue, even though Suzie occasionally asked me about that.
    The air was stale but for a second, I thought I could smell that combination of Head & Shoulders and light sweat that would always be my brother. He had some new posters up: a few bands that he’d just started listening to and one of a blond model in a bikini, straddling a Vespa scooter, that made me laugh. There was a blank sheet-music book on the desk, with notes scratched out in Toby’s crooked, struggling handwriting. I had glanced up at the electric piano in the corner, then back at the sheet music. All I could make out were the lyrics, Tell me why, you want to cry .
    Toby was always good at making up songs, even if he had trouble writing them down. When we were younger, before my going to high school seemed to turn the three years between us into twenty, we’d put together shows for my parents. He did the music, I made the sets and costumes, and we just goofed through the rest of it.
    Even though his room now smelled of cat, not teenage boy, I imagined Toby thought what I was doing was cool.
    “Are you working on your Joe stuff?” Meg asked, changing position and stretching.
    She meant the drawings, of course, but those teased a larger, Joe Stuff world of possibilities.
    “Yeah, a little. The show’s not until December, so there’s time.”
    “I’m glad you guys are . . . friendly now.”
    We paused, and I almost started to tell her about David’s postcards. They weren’t something I should be keeping from her, I knew that, but how could I explain them?
    Then we heard Masher scratching and whining at the door, and the moment was gone. It drove him crazy that there were animals in here that he could smell but not see.
    Lucky looked toward the door with disdain, then climbed into Meg’s lap. “She must think you need a little sugar today,” I said.
    Meg frowned for a second and the tip of her nose twitched, like she had something to say about that, but then she just bent down and gave Lucky a big wet kiss on the head.
    I wanted the Magic Wok for my birthday. I got the Magic Wok and the big round table in the corner, with the Lazy Susan on it, which I always loved when I was little.
    Nana and Megan sat on either side of me. Meg’s parents sat next to her, and Eve sat next to Nana. Everyone ordered the mai tais, which came in a ceramic Buddha with a ridiculously long straw, including Meg and Eve and me, although we got the alcohol-free versions that tasted like Slurpees.
    “To Laurel,” said Meg, raising her Buddha. “May this year be as awesome as possible.”
    Everyone raised their Buddhas. “To Laurel!”
    We ate dumplings and egg rolls and everyone got along, except maybe Mr. Dill, who didn’t seem to like Chinese food because he asked the waiter to get him a steak sandwich, and Mrs. Dill rolled her eyes and tilted her chair away from him.
    Also there was the sadness. I could feel it right there under the table, about to crawl out on hands and knees into my party. Maybe if I kept my legs together and my feet pressed to the ground, it wouldn’t have room to escape.
    But it came anyway, no matter how loud everyone laughed at Eve’s jokes or the way Nana tried for the first time in her life to use chopsticks.
    It was my birthday, and I wanted my mom and dad. My mother always tried to do something a little alternative for my parties, like buying old hats at the secondhand store and letting my guests and me decorate them with felt flowers and