The Crippled God

you,’ he managed to say. ‘Your name … Blob .’
    ‘ Blob?’ The man’s head turned towards the woman. ‘He says my name is Blob .’
    ‘ Should I slap him again? ’
    ‘ Blur,’ he now said, blinking at the woman. ‘Blob and Blur. I remember now. You got me drunk. Took advantage of me. I should probably kill you both. Where are my trousers? ’
    Still leaning against the wall, still using it to prop himself up, he glared at the man and the woman, watched them both back off a step. They were all in a corridor, and to his right was a thick wooden door, pushed open, revealing a snarled lumpy mess of a yard just beyond, and a cool draught was slinking in, smelling of brackish water and rubbish .
    The man spoke slowly, as if to a child. ‘You’re wearing your trousers .’
    ‘ Of course I am. Think I can’t dress myself? Where are my knives? ’
    The woman swore under her breath and then said, ‘The fool’s lost his mind. Not hard, since it wasn’t great to begin with, but it’s gone now. He’s useless to us – Cotillion lied. Just wanted me out from underfoot, so he sent me riding wild as a she-witch – all for nothing! ’
    ‘ I’d agree with you on that assessment,’ said the other man, now crossing his arms, ‘except for one thing .’
    ‘ What? ’
    ‘ Blob and Blur? The bastard’s having us on, Minala. And he thinks it’s funny, too. See that glare? Like every ocean storm’s come home to roost on his forehead. Thing is, Kalam never glares. Almost never scowls. Kalam’s got the face of an assassin .’
    Kalam sneered. ‘I’m having you on, am I? Tell you what, Wizard, am I having you on the way you had me on when I cracked that acorn and you never showed? With about a hundred Claws closing in on me? ’
    ‘ Not my fault. Besides, look at you. You came out the other end still walking —’
    ‘ Crawling, actually,’ corrected Minala. ‘According to Shadowthrone,I mean. In fact, the wispy runt had to drag Kalam up to the door here. It’s a wonder he even managed it .’
    Quick Ben snorted. ‘So you ain’t nearly as good as you think you are. What a shock. Look at your clothes and armour – you’re chopped to pieces, O mighty assassin. A handful of Laseen’s weasels made a mess of you, and you’ve got the nerve to blame me.’
    ‘ So where is she?’ Kalam demanded .
    ‘ Who? ’
    ‘ Laseen. I got to settle with her – she cut Tavore loose. She said the Wickans have to be sacrificed – and Korbolo Dom. I want that bastard’s knobby head bouncing down every step from Mock’s Hold to the mouth of the sewer – where the fuck are my knives? ’
    Minala drew out a belted brace and flung the gear at his feet. ‘So I come riding through a thousand warrens, nearly get blasted by lightning, and you ain’t got a single word for your Hood-damned wife? ’
    ‘ You threw me out, remember? ’
    ‘ Remember? I’m remembering why, is what I’m remembering. This is all Cotillion’s fault .’
    Quick Ben said, ‘She won’t say it, but she misses you —’
    She rounded on him. ‘You stay out of this! ’
    ‘ I’d love to, but we haven’t got time. Look, Kalam, she’s sincere – she even found you a horse —’
    ‘ What do I need a horse for? We’re in Malaz City! If Laseen’s run away, I don’t need a horse – I need a ship .’
    ‘ Kalam, listen to me. Shadowthrone delivered you to the Deadhouse. You were dying. Poisoned. And then you were just, er, left here. Lying there on the floor. For some time – well, a fair bit of time, in fact .’
    ‘ Did you kill Laseen, then? Did you avenge me? And you have the nerve to call yourself my friend – you didn’t kill her, did you? Did you? ’
    ‘ No I didn’t – just close that trap of yours and try listening for a change. Never mind the Malazan Empire. Never mind the Regent or Protector or whatever title Mallick Rel’s come up with. And maybe Laseen got killed like they say she did, or maybe she didn’t – it doesn’t matter. We’re not hanging around, Kalam. We’re needed elsewhere. Do you understand what I’m saying? ’
    ‘ Not a word. But it sounds to me like we’re wasting time.’ He looked at Minala. ‘So you got me a horse, did you? Is it big enough? Better not be a stallion – you know how they get jealous when I’m around you .’
    ‘ I wasn’t picky,’ she said. ‘But if I’d thought about it, I’d have gotten you a fat one-eared three-legged ass, and you could take turns riding