The Darkest Evening of the Year

no finish. Forever means every good thing can happen to you, every good thing you can think of, because there’s time for all of it.
    If there’s time for every good thing you can think of to happen, is there time for every bad thing you can think of to happen?
    She asked Bear her question, and he said no, it doesn’t work that way.
    Piggy herself is forever. Bear said so.
    As soon as she has the Forever Shiny Thing in her hand, Piggy feels better. She feels not alone.
    Alone is better than with Mother and the man.
    But alone is hard.
    Alone is very hard.
    Alone is mostly what she ever remembers. She didn’t know how bad alone was until Bear.
    She had Bear, and then she didn’t, and after there was no more Bear, she knew for the first time how hard alone was.
    She feels close to Bear when she holds the Forever Shiny Thing in her hand. She holds it now very tight.
    Bear gave it to her. A secret. Mother can never know. If Mother finds out, she will get the Big Uglies.
    Right here at the chair, where she can quick shove the Forever Shiny Thing into the cushion cover, Piggy does the Worst Thing She Can Do.
    Maybe she will be caught, so she is scared. Then not scared.
    The Worst Thing always makes her not scared. For a while.
    She has to be careful about time. She is not good about time. Sometimes no time at all seems like a lot. Sometimes a lot of time goes by like nothing.
    If she forgets about time, she will Drift Away, like she does, and then she’ll forget about listening for the lock squeak, too.
    She is quiet for a while but says what is in her heart.
    Always say what is in your heart, Piggy. That’s the best you can do.
    She is done. She feels not so alone as before.
    “Oh, Bear,” she says.
    Now and then Piggy thinks if she says his name out loud, he’ll answer. He never does. She still tries sometimes.
    Bear is dead. But he could still answer.
    Bear is dead but Bear is forever, too.
    He will always be with her. He promised.
    No matter what happens, Piggy, I’ll always be with you.
    Mother killed him. Piggy saw it happen.
    Piggy wanted to be killed, too.
    For a long time things were so bad. Very bad. Dark even when there was light.
    The only thing that kept the dark back was the Forever Shiny Thing that was her secret.
    Now, before shoving it inside the cushion cover, Piggy looks at it one more time.
    Silver. Bear said it is made of silver.
    It is a word, one of just a few words she can read when she sees it. The word hangs on a silver chain. The word is HOPE .

 
    Chapter
46
    T hey drove through an In-N-Out for cheeseburgers, fries, and soft drinks, and they ate on the road, paper napkins tucked in their shirt collars, more napkins layered on their laps.
    Thrusting her head between the seats, licking her chops to take back the drool before it dripped, Nickie suckered Amy into giving her three morsels of hamburger and four fries. She withdrew her head and obediently settled down behind Amy’s seat when firmly told “No more, nada, no.”
    Every road has romance, especially at night, and eating on the fly appeals to the delight in journeying that abides in the human heart. There is an illusion of safety in movement, the half-formed idea that the Fates cannot find us, that they stand on the doorstep of the place from which we recently departed, knocking to deliver a twist or turn that, while on rolling wheels, we will not have to receive.
    This false but welcome dream of safety, coupled with the comfort of delicious unhealthy food, put Amy in a mood that made disclosure more imaginable than it would have been elsewhere.
    When they had eaten and she had stuffed all their napkins and debris into the In-N-Out bag, she said, “I told you about being abandoned at the orphanage, about the adoption and cement truck and the orphanage again…but I never told you about my first dog.”
    After the accident and the return to Mater Misericordiæ, she had been reduced by her experiences to frequent silences that concerned the nuns, to a poverty of smiles though previously she had been rich in them, and to a desire for distance from others.
    One sunny afternoon in October, a month after her return, she had sneaked off alone to the farther end of the play yard from the church, abbey, school, and residence, the buildings that embraced Mater Misericordiæ’s quadrangle. The big play yard was on high land, and from it a meadow sloped gently to the valley where the town rose and the river ran and the highway