The Darkest Evening of the Year

was different. Bear saw Piggy. Mostly they see Piggy but don’t really see her.
    Bear was a mess, but he wasn’t as big a mess as Mother.
    Piggy, I’m a mess, I’m weak and I’m foolish, but I’m not as big a mess as your mother.
    She didn’t like Bear saying bad things about himself. Because she knew Bear didn’t lie to her.
    Mother promised Bear when they had money, then she would give Piggy to child-welfare people.
    Piggy doesn’t know who child-welfare people are. Bear made them sound nice. He made them sound not like the usual friends with guns.
    After they had money, Mother broke her promise. No child-welfare people for Piggy.
    Bear and Mother are laughing, and Mother sits on his lap.
    This was back on the day it happened.
    Mother sits on Bear’s lap, laughing, and takes the big knife out from between sofa cushions, where it never was before.
    Piggy remembers like it’s right now, like it’s not back then.
    Mother makes the knife go all the way through Bear’s neck, front to back.
    Then everything gets very bad, worse than anything ever.
    Let not your heart be troubled.
    Let not your heart be troubled.
    Mother says she didn’t kill him to take his money. She says she killed him because he was Piggy’s friend.
    Mother says, My friends are mine, you fat-faced little freak. My friends aren’t yours. What’s mine is mine. You’re mine, Piggy Pig. You belong to me, Piggy Pig. Nobody takes what’s mine. He’s dead because of you.
    This would make Piggy sad forever if it was true Bear was dead because of her.
    Here’s one way Piggy knows it isn’t true: Mother always lies.
    Let not your heart be troubled.
    Here’s another way Piggy knows it isn’t true: Dying, Bear looks at her, and his eyes aren’t afraid or angry.
    His eyes just say Sorry, Piggy.
    And his eyes say It’s okay, girl, you keep on keepin’ on.
    Piggy can read eyes. She can’t read words, but she reads eyes real good.
    Sometimes when she reads her mother’s eyes, Piggy feels her head might go bang.
    The lock squeaks.
    Piggy doesn’t hide the magazine. She keeps scissoring pictures. She is allowed to cut pictures.
    The magazines are Mother’s, but old ones she doesn’t want.
    Piggy is allowed to cut lots of pictures and paste them together to make bigger pictures. Mother calls the bigger pictures some name Piggy will never read and can’t remember.
    Piggy doesn’t call them any name. She just sees how some pretty things can be put with other pretty things in ways so all the things are even more pretty because of how they’re put together.
    The most pretty things Piggy makes, her mother burns. They go outside, and Mother burns the best put-together pictures.
    This is one of not many things you can say for sure makes her mother happy.
    Here’s another way Piggy knows Mother lies even to herself: She thinks she is always happy.
    The lock squeaks. The door opens. Mother comes in.
    The man stays in the doorway, leaning there, arms crossed.
    Mother and the man have been drinking. You can tell.
    Mother sits on the desk. “What’re you doing, baby?”
    “Makin’ stuff.”
    “My little artist.”
    “Just pictures.”
    Mother has a knife.
    Not the Bear knife, but like the Bear knife.
    She puts it on the desk.
    Piggy thinks maybe she forgot to zip the chair-cushion cover after she put away the Forever Shiny Thing.
    If Mother sees an open chair-cushion cover and finds HOPE on a silver chain, then here come the Big Uglies.
    Piggy glances at the chair. Cover is zipped.
    “Big day coming, Piggy.”
    Cover is zipped, so just keep working the scissors.
    “Your daddy is coming to get you, baby.”
    Piggy makes a mistake. She cuts off a pretty lady’s head. So she pretends she only wants a head, and she cuts the head out very carefully.
    “I’ve told you about your daddy, how you made him sick to his stomach, your stupid fat face embarrassed him, so he dumped you on me and split.”
    “Sure,” Piggy says, but just to say something.
    “Well, he’s got religion all of a sudden, wants to do the right thing, so he’s coming to take you home with him, where the two of you will live happily ever after.”
    This is bad. This is as bad as bad can be.
    Maybe it is a lie her father is coming.
    If it’s a lie, why say it? Only to make Piggy hope and then, no, it doesn’t happen, but some really really bad thing happens instead.
    And if her father really is coming, they won’t go and be happy ever after. No way.
    What’s mine is