The Fifth Elephant

will be kind to him in Ankh-Morpork.”
    “Yes, indeed,” said Vimes, removing his handkerchief and absentmindedly dabbing his ear. “And…er…this rabbit?”
    “He’s Eerie, thir,” said young Igor.
    “Good name. Good name. Er…is that why he’s got human ears all over his back?”
    “Early experiment, thir.”
    “And…er…the noses?”
    There were about a dozen of them, in a large screw-top pickle jar. And they were…just noses. Not cut off of anyone, as far as Vimes could see. They had little legs, and were jumping hopefully up and down against the glass, like puppies in a pet shop window. He thought he would hear faint “whee!” noises.
    “The wave of the future, thir,” said young Igor. “I grow them in special vats. I can do eyes and fingers, too!”
    “But they’ve got little legs!”
    “Oh, they wither off in a few hours after they’re attached, thir. And they want to be useful, my little noses. Bio-artificing for the nexth century, thir. None of that outmoded cutting-up of old bodies—”
    His father smacked his head again. “You thee? You thee? Where’th the point in that? Wathtrel! I hope you can do thomething with him, marthter, becauthe I’ve justht about given up! Not worth breaking down for thpareth, ath we thay!”
    Vimes sighed. Still, losing small extremities was a daily hazard in the Watch and the lad was, after all, an Igor. It wasn’t as if there were any normal people in the Watch. He could afford to put up with a nose breeder in exchange for surgery that didn’t involve screaming and buckets of boiling pitch.
    He indicated a box beside the young man. It was growling, and rocking from side to side.
    “You haven’t got a dog too, have you?” he said, trying to make it sound like a joke.
    “That’s my tomatoes,” said young Igor. “A triumph of modern igoring. They grow enormously.”
    “Only becauthe they vithiouthly attack all other vegetableth!” said his father. “But I’ll thay thith for the lad, marthter, I’ve never known anyone like him for really tiny stitching.”
    “All right, all right, he sounds like the man I’m looking for,” said Vimes. “Or close, at least. Take a seat, young man. I just hope there’s going to be room in the coaches…”
    The door to the yard swung open, blowing in a few snowflakes and Carrot, who stamped his feet.
    “A bit of snow overnight, but the road looks open,” he said. “They says there’s a really big one due tonight, though, so we—Oh, good morning, sir.”
    “You’re fit enough to travel?” said Vimes.
    “We both are,” said Angua. She crossed the hall and stood next to Carrot.
    Once again, Vimes was aware of a lot of words that he hadn’t heard. A wise man didn’t make inquiries at a time like this. Besides, Vimes could feel the cold coming up through his feet.
    He reached a decision.
    “Give me your notebook, Captain,” he said.
    They watched him scribble a few lines.
    “Stop at the clacks tower and send a message on to the Yard,” he said, handing it back to Carrot. “Tell them you’re on the way. Take young Igor here with you and get him settled in, okay? And make a report to His Lordship.”
    “Er…you’re not coming?” said Carrot.
    “Her Ladyship and I will take the other coach,” said Vimes. “Or buy a sleigh. Very comfy things, sleighs. And we’ll…we’ll just take it a little easier. We’ll see the sights. We’ll dawdle along the way. Understand?”
    He saw Angua smile, and wondered if Sybil had confided in her.
    “Absolutely, sir,” said Carrot.
    “Oh, and…er…go along to Burleigh and Stronginthearm’s, order a couple of dozen of everything off the top of their small arms catalogue, and get them onto the next mailcoach due to Bonk for the personal attention of Captain Tantony.”
    “The mail coach rate will be very expensive, sir…” Carrot began.
    “I didn’t want you to tell me that, Captain. I wanted you to say ‘Yes, sir.’”
    “Yes, sir.”
    “And ask at the gate about…three gloomy biddies who live in a big house near here. It’s got a cherry orchard. Find out the address and when you get back send them three coach tickets to Ankh-Morpork.”
    “Right, sir.”
    “Well done. Travel safely. I’ll see you in a week. Or two. Three at the outside. All right?”
    A few minutes later he stood shivering on the steps, watching the coach disappear into the crisp morning.
    He felt a pang of guilt, but it was only a little pang. He gave every day