The Fifth Elephant

thought you ought to know about this right away, sir,” he said, flourishing a square of paper. “I just got it off Ronald.”
    “Who?”
    “The imp on the bridge, sir. He paints pictures of carts going too fast? No one had been feeding him,” Visit added, in a mildly accusing tone.
    “Oh. Someone speeding,” said Colon. “So?” He looked again. “That’s one of those sedan chairs the deep-down dwarfs use, isn’t it? Them trolls must’ve been moving!”
    “It was just after the Scone was stolen,” said Visit. “Ronald writes the time in the corner, see? A bit odd, I thought. Like a kind of getaway vehicle, sir?”
    “What’d a dwarf want to steal a worthless lump of rock for?” said Colon. “Especially them dark dwarfs. They give me the creeps in those stupid clothes they wear.”
    Angry silence rang like a dropped girder in a temple. There were three dwarfs in the room.
    “You two! You ought to be out on patrol!” barked Sergeant Stronginthearm. “ I’ve got business down at Chitterling Street!”
    All three dwarfs marched out, somehow contriving even to walk angrily.
    “Well, what was that about?” said Fred Colon. “Bit touchy, aren’t they? Mister Vimes says that sort of thing all the time and no one minds.”
    “Yes, but that’s because he’s Sam Vimes,” said Nobby.
    “Oh? And are you inferring I’m not?” said Captain Colon.
    “Well… yes , Fred. You’re Fred Colon,” said Nobby patiently.
    “Oh, I am , am I?”
    “Yes, Captain Colon.”
    “And they’d better bloody remember it!” Colon snapped. “I’m not a soft touch, me. I’m not going to take insubordination like that! I’ve always said Vimes was a bit too soft on those dwarfs! They gets the same pay as us and they’re only half the size!”
    “Yes, yes,” said Nobby, waving his hands placatingly in a desperate attempt to calm things down, “But, Fred, trolls are twice as big as us and they get paid the same, so it—”
    “But they’ve only got a quarter of the brains, so it’s just the same like I said—”
    The noise they heard was long and drawn out and menacing. It was the sound of Lance-Constable Bluejohn’s chair being pushed back.
    The floor creaked as he shambled past Colon, removed his helmet from its peg with one enormous hand, and headed for the door.
    “’M goin’ on patrol,” he mumbled.
    “You’re not on patrol for another hour,” said Constable Visit.
    “’M goin’ now,” said Bluejohn. The room was darkened for a moment as he eclipsed the doorway, and then he was gone.
    “Why’s everyone so tetchy all of a sudden?” said Colon. The remaining constables tried not to catch his eye.
    “Did I hear someone snigger?” he demanded.
    “I didn’t hear anyone snigger, Sarge,” said Nobby.
    “Oh? Oh? You think I’m a sergeant, do you, Corporal Nobbs?”
    “No, Fred, I—oh gawds…”
    “I can see things have got pretty slack around here,” said Captain Colon, an evil little gleam in his eye. “I bet you were all thinking, oh, it’s only fat old Fred Colon, it’s all going to be gravy from now on, eh?”
    “Oh, Fred, no one thinks you’re old—oh gawds…”
    “Just fat, eh?” Fred glowered around the room. Suddenly, and against all previous evidence, everyone was vitally interested in their paperwork.
    “Right! Well, from now on things are going to be different ,” said Captain Colon. “Oh yes. I’m up to all your little tricks—who said that?”
    “Said what, Captain?” said Nobby, who’d also heard the little whispered “We learned ’em all from you, Sarge” but at this moment would eat live coals rather than admit it.
    “Someone said something blotto voice,” said Captain Colon.
    “I’m sure they didn’t, Captain,” said Nobby.
    “And I won’t be eyeballed like that, neither!”
    “No one’s looking at you!” wailed Nobby.
    “Aha, you think I don’t know that one?” Colon shouted. “There’s plenty of ways to eyeball someone without lookin’ at ’em, Corporal. That man over there is earlobing me!”
    “I think Constable Ping is just really interested in the report he’s writing, Fre—Sar—Captain.”
    Colon’s ruffled feathers settled a little. “Well…all right. And now I’m going up to my office, all right? There’ll be some changes around here. And someone bring me a cup of tea.”
    They watched him go up the stairs, enter the office and slam the door.
    “Well, the—” Constable Ping began, but Nobby, who had a lot