The Garlic Ballads

inwardly. Just think, you, the Emperor’s mentor, a great man in his own right! From that point on, not only did the teacher waive Zhang Nine-fives tuition, he even assumed personal responsibility for mother and sons living expenses, down to the last copper. Needless to say, Nine-five and his mother were immensely grateful. Now, the teacher had a sixteen-year-old daughter at home, a girl of unsurpassed beauty and great literary potential. Struck with an inspiration, he sought out Nine-five’s mother. “Elder Sister-in-Law, may I be so bold as to discuss Nine-five’s marital situation with you? I have a humble daughter at home, and would like to propose that she look after your esteemed son.” A startled Madame Zhang née Liu replied, “Dear Teacher, how can we, a lowly widow and fatherless child, aspire to kinship with you?” “Elder Sister-in-Law, you honor me. I shall bring my daughter over tomorrow, and we can hold the ceremony then.” Mother Zhang shed tears of gratitude, then went home and told Nine-five, who had already seen his teacher’s spectacularly beautiful daughter. He couldn’t agree fast enough. The very next day they were wed—a gifted scholar and a talented beauty. The romantic prospects were endless. I’ll leave it to you to imagine what went on that night, but from then on, Zhang Nine-five threw himself into his studies. Then one day he took his bride to burn incense at the City God Temple, where he spotted a writing brush and paper on the altar. Itching to put them to use, he picked up the brush and wrote: “City God, City God, hie thee to Luoyang. Leave this very night, return on the morrow.” Then, laying down the brush, he left the temple and returned home with his wife. That night his teacher dreamed he saw the City God carrying a bottle of Maotai spirits. (Come on, now, where would he get a bottle of Maotai? I’m just using that as an example for the story!) He also carried a meaty pig’s head. “Esteemed Minister,” he said, “I beg you to plead the case of this insignificant City God with the Emperor. Get him to retract the imperial edict commanding me to go to Luoyang tonight and return tomorrow night. Tell me, sir, how can I manage a trip of a thousand miles in a single day?” The teacher was jolted awake by this startling development. Ah, it was only a dream. He rubbed his eyes and sat up. But, after lighting the lamp, he walked into the next room, where he saw a bottle of Maotai spirits on the stove alongside a debristled pig’s head. He pinched his thigh and bit his finger. Both smarted. So he reached out to feel the pig’s head and shake the bottle of spirits. Both real. Figuring he was still dreaming, he woke his wife and told her to see if the spirits and pig’s head were real. “Husband,” she said, “since you knew we had barely enough rice to get us through tomorrow, what possessed you to buy these luxuries?” Unable to contain his delight, he told her everything, forgetting that the mysteries of heaven must not be divulged.

    Once again, the gurgling sound of water rose from the well. ‘Time to irrigate the crops again, my boy,” Old Man Wang said. “The water’s back.”
    “Finish your story, Grandpa Three,” Gao Ma pleaded. “Don’t keep me in suspense.”
    “Take it easy, my boy. Be patient. Never finish good food in one meal, or tell a good story in one sitting.”

    “Do you really hate socialism that much?” the policeman asked.
    “It’s not socialism I hate, it’s you. To you socialism is a mere signboard, but to me it’s a social formation—concrete, not abstract. It’s embodied in public ownership of the means of production and in a system of distribution. Unfortunately it’s also embodied in corrupt officials like you. Isn’t that right?” Gao Ma demanded.
    The policeman, hardly less irate than he, pounded the table and said, “Gao Ma, I’m interrogating you as an officer of the court. This is no debating contest! We’re waiting for you to confess how you incited the masses to beat, smash, and loot, and how you joined them in this criminal activity. You were a soldier once, then a veteran. But you became a common criminal who resisted arrest and fled, only to ultimately fall into our grasp!”
    “I already told you, you can shoot me or cut off my head or bury me alive, it doesnt matter to me. I hate corrupt officials like you who, under the guise of unfurling the flag of the Communist Party, destroy its reputation. I