The Garlic Ballads

hate you all!”

    It was after midnight. Farmers irrigating their crops under an even brighter, even clearer moon grew increasingly spectral. Lanterns faded and darkened under the luminous moonbeams.
    Gao Ma handed a cigarette to Old Man Wang, who picked up the thread of his tale.

    The teacher did what he never ever should have done: he revealed to his wife Zhang Nine-five’s imperial future. So many of the world’s great events have come a cropper because of women, who, like dogs, can eat butter but can’t keep it down. Just imagine the thoughts that ran through her head when she heard that her son-in-law was fated to become the Son of Heaven. Her daughter would be Empress, making her Empress Mother—a relationship with royalty that could never be broken: more riches and honors than she could ever fully appreciate, more silks and satins than she could ever possibly wear, and more delicacies and rich foods than she could ever eat. She lost touch with reality. But that’s another story.The next day the teacher went to the City God Temple, where he walked straight to the altar, picked up the slip of paper Zhang Nine-five had written, and, without a word to anyone, slipped it up his sleeve and took it home. “Did you write this, worthy son-in-law?” he confronted Zhang Nine-five. “Yes, I did,” Nine-five replied bashfully. “It’s at least five hundred miles from here to Luoyang,” the teacher said, “a round trip of a thousand li. How is he to travel that distance in a single day?” “I was just having some fun,” Nine-five protested. “Well, you’d better write another slip to spare him the trip,” the teacher said. So Nine-five picked up the brush and wrote on a torn slip of paper, “City God, City God, you need not go to Luoyang. Off to bed after a hearty meal, and stay in good health.” That night the City God returned to the teacher in a dream. “My heartfelt thanks for interceding on my behalf,” he said, “for which I want to give you this roast lamb and fine wine.” As before, when the teacher awoke and went into the next room, there on the stove awaited a roast lamb and a bottle of fine wine.

    A meteor streaked earthward, dragging its fiery tail behind it. Old Man Wang continued the tale: Nine-five’s mother-in-law had a dispute with a neighbor that day, and in the heat of the argument forgot her husband’s admonition to keep this secret. “For your information,” she said, “my son-in-law is a future Son of Heaven, and after he mounts the Dragon Throne, I’ll have him lop off all your heads, one after the other.” Treating it as an idle threat, the neighbor said, “Everybody knows that scrawny monkey of a son-in-law doesn’t have a bone in his body worthy of an Emperor. Even if he did, with a black-hearted, ham-handed mother-in-law like you, Old Man Heaven would replace those bones!” A passing spirit, overhearing the angry comment, reported it to the Jade Emperor, who was so incensed he ordered Heavenly Prince Li and his son Nuozha to go down and replace Zhang Nine-five’s bones. That afternoon Heavenly Prince Li and his son arrived at the City God Temple, where they were feted with a banquet, at which Heavenly Prince Li had a bit too much to drink and let slip their reason for coming. Recalling with gratitude Zhang Nine-five’s retraction of the imperial edict, the City God quickly appeared in a dream to the teacher, saying, “Dear teacher, your wife repeated something that angered the Jade Emperor, who sent Heavenly Prince Li and his son to remove your worthy son-in-law’s imperial bones and replace them with turtle bones during the third watch tonight. Tell your worthy son-in-law that he must grit his teeth and bear up under any pain, no matter how great, and not to scream under any circumstances. That way he retains his golden mouth and teeth of jade. One scream, and even his teeth will become those of a turtle. The mysteries of heaven cannot be divulged. Please inform your worthy son-in-law that he must watch what he says.” After ensuring that his message was understood, the City God mounted the wind and rode off. This time the teacher awoke covered with sweat. Knowing this was no false alarm, he immediately informed Nine-five that later that night, no matter how much pain he experienced, he was to grit his teeth and not cry out. Nine-five, who was smarter than most, understood at once. Later that night, as expected, his body was racked with unbearable pain;