The Husband’s Secret

hurt.
    Finally he spoke. ‘Have you opened it?’ His voice was thin and reedy, like a querulous old man in a nursing home.
    ‘No,’ said Cecilia. ‘You’re not dead, so I thought I’d better not.’ She’d been trying for a flippant tone, but she sounded shrill, as if she was nagging him.
    There was silence again. She heard someone with an American accent call out, ‘Sir! This way, sir!’
    ‘Hello?’ said Cecilia.
    ‘Could you please not open it? Would you mind? I wrote it a long time ago, when Isabel was a baby, I think. It’s sort of embarrassing. I thought I’d lost it actually. Where did you find it?’
    He sounded self-conscious, as if he was talking to her in front of people he didn’t know that well.
    ‘Are you with someone?’ asked Cecilia.
    ‘No. I’m just having breakfast here in the hotel restaurant.’
    ‘I found it when I was in the attic, looking for my piece of the Berlin – anyway, I knocked over one of your shoeboxes and there it was.’
    ‘I must have been doing my taxes around the same time as I wrote it,’ said John-Paul. ‘What an idiot. I remember I looked and looked for it. I thought I was losing my mind. I couldn’t believe I would lose . . .’ His voice faded. ‘Well.’
    He sounded so contrite, so full of what seemed like excessive remorse.
    ‘Well, that doesn’t matter.’ Now she sounded motherly, like she was talking to one of the girls. ‘But what made you write it in the first place?’
    ‘Just an impulse. I guess I was all emotional. Our first baby. It got me thinking about my dad and the things he didn’t get to say after he died. Things left unsaid. All the clichés. It just says sappy stuff, about how much I love you. Nothing earth-shattering. I can’t really remember to be honest.’
    ‘So why can’t I open it then?’ She put on a wheedling voice that slightly sickened her. ‘What’s the big deal?’
    Silence again.
    ‘It’s not a big deal, but Cecilia, please, I’m asking you not to open it.’ He sounded quite desperate. For heaven’s sake! What a fuss. Men were so ridiculous about emotional stuff.
    ‘Fine. I won’t open it. Let’s hope I don’t get to read it for another fifty years.’
    ‘Unless I outlast you.’
    ‘No chance. You eat too much red meat. I bet you’re eating bacon right now.’
    ‘And I bet you fed those poor girls fish tonight, didn’t you?’ He was making a joke, but he still sounded tense.
    ‘Is that Daddy?’ Polly skidded into the room. ‘I need to talk to him urgently!’
    ‘Here’s Polly,’ said Cecilia, as Polly attempted to pull the phone from her grasp. ‘ Polly , stop it. Just a moment . Talk to you tomorrow. Love you.’
    ‘Love you too,’ she heard him say as Polly grabbed the phone. She ran from the room with it pressed to her ear.‘Daddy, listen, I need to tell you something, and it’s quite a big secret .’
    Polly loved secrets. She hadn’t stopped talking about them, or sharing them, ever since she’d learned of their existence at the age of two.
    ‘Let your sisters talk to him too!’ called out Cecilia.
    She picked up her cup of tea and placed the letter next to her, squaring it up with the edge of the table. So that was that. Nothing to worry about. She would file it away and forget about it.
    He’d been embarrassed. That was all. It was sweet.
    Of course, now she’d promised not to open it, she couldn’t. It would have been better not to have mentioned it. She’d finish her tea and make a start on that slice.
    She pulled Esther’s book about the Berlin Wall over, flipped the pages and stopped at a photo of a young boy with an angelic, serious face that reminded her a little of John-Paul, the way he’d looked as a young man, when she’d first fallen in love with him. John-Paul had always taken great care with his hair, using a lot of gel to sculpt it into place, and he’d been quite adorably serious, even when he was drunk (they were often drunk in those early days). His gravity used to make Cecilia feel girly and giggly. They’d been together for ages before he’d revealed a lighter side.
    The boy, she read, was Peter Fechter, an eighteen-year-old bricklayer who was one of the first people to die trying to escape the Berlin Wall. He was shot in the pelvis and fell back into the ‘death strip’ on the Eastern side, where he took an hour to bleed to death. Hundreds of witnesses on both sides watched, but nobody offered him medical assistance, although some people