The Last Assassin

cancer anyway. At least the way I did it, he didn't suffer.
    But I had a feeling she might take that as a rationalization. And maybe it was.
    'Well, you didn't do enough,' she said.
    'This is punishment, then,' I said.
    There was a long pause. She said, 'I don't want you in his life. Or mine.'
    There it was. The very thing, the very words I'd been afraid of. Hanging in the air between us.
    'What are you going to tell him?' I asked. 'That his father is dead?'
    It would be a sensible enough lie. But the thought of it horrified me. Because I realized if she said it, in many ways that mattered it would actually be so.
    'I haven't figured it all out,' she said.
    'Well, maybe you should. Maybe you should think about what something like that would cost him.'
    She laughed harshly, I supposed at my impertinence.
    'Can I ask you a question?' she asked.
    I nodded.
    'When was the last time you killed someone?'
    I tried to think of how to answer. A long moment went by.
    She laughed again. 'Don't you see right there that something's wrong? How many people have to think about a question like that?'
    I felt myself flush. 'You want to know the last time I killed someone? It was about a month ago. And the guy I killed was one of the worst bomb makers in the world. You know what killing him did? It saved who knows how many lives.'
    'I imagine that's what all killers tell themselves.'
    The anger I'd been trying to contain suddenly burst through. 'And that's what I imagine all yuppie jazz pianists tell themselves, because it makes them feel so fucking superior.'
    She glared at me.
Good,
I thought.
I needed that.
    'Maybe you're right,' I said. 'Maybe my problem is rationalization. But yours is denial. You think you can live a squeaky-clean life like this one without someone else getting his hands dirty? Do you really want Koichiro to grow up in a world where no one's out there trying to cull the same kinds of people who leveled the towers just two miles south of here?'
    We were silent for a moment, glaring at each other, breathing hard.
    'But you're still killing people,' she said.
    I closed my eyes. 'Look, I've been trying to change. To do something good. And a lot of that… a lot of that is because of you. And your father.'
    There was another pause. She said, 'Maybe you're right, maybe what you're doing keeps children like Koichiro safe in their beds at night. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about you. The life you lead and the things you do, it would put Koichiro himself at risk. Can't you see that?'
    I almost sagged under the weight of her words. After all, hadn't I needed to find the gaps in Yamaoto's surveillance just to achieve this single clumsy visit?
    'I know you care about me,' she went on. 'And that, even though you haven't met him, you care about Koichiro. Why would you want to put us in danger?'
    I closed my eyes and exhaled. I had no argument. She was right. I wondered what the hell I'd been thinking, why I had come here.
    A long, silent moment spun out.
    'All right,' I said, nodding. 'Okay.'
    She looked at me. I saw sympathy in her eyes and it hurt.
    'Thank you,' she said.
    I nodded again. 'Could I just see… my son?'
    'I don't think…'
    I looked at her. 'Please. Don't turn me away without that.'
    After a long moment, she gestured toward the door Digne had come through earlier. She turned and I followed her.
    It was a small bedroom in the corner of the building, with curtained windows on two of its walls. I saw a crib, a changing table, a rocking chair. A lamp shaped like a bunny had been turned to a low, comforting setting.
    We walked over to the crib. I put my hands on the edge and looked down into it.
    On the mattress, covered in a blue fleece blanket, was a little person with a dark head of hair. His eyes were shut and he had a tiny nose and I could see his chest rising and falling as he slept.
    For the first time, I understood that all of this was real. This child was mine. I was his father.
    I felt tears trying to surface and blinked them down I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried and I wasn't going to start tonight, in front of Midori.
    'Could I… would it be all right if…' I started to say.
    Midori looked at me, then nodded. She reached into the crib and carefully lifted out Koichiro, still wrapped in his blue blanket. She kissed him softly on the forehead, then looked at me again. Her eyes were wide and honest and I saw that she was afraid. But she was doing this anyway. Fuck, I had