The Last Letter from Your Lover

to allow others to pass through.
    ‘Silly, really,’ she says. ‘You pass people every day without having a clue—’
    ‘Look, Ellie, what do you want?’
    She bites her lip. Around them the commuters separate like water, earphones on, some tutting audibly at the human obstacles in their path. She rubs at her hair, which is now damp. ‘I just wanted to say I’m sorry. About the other morning.’
    ‘It’s cool.’
    ‘No, it’s not. But it’s . . . Look, what happened, it’s nothing to do with you, and I really like you. It’s just this is something that—’
    ‘You know what? I’m not interested. It’s fine, Ellie. Let’s leave it at that.’ He goes through the ticket barrier. She follows. She caught a glimpse of his expression before he turned, and it was horrible. She feels horrible.
    She positions herself behind him on the escalator. Little pearls of water are dotted across his grey scarf, and she fights the urge to sweep them off. ‘Rory, I’m really sorry.’
    He’s staring at his shoes. He glances at her, his eyes cold. ‘Married, huh?’
    ‘What?’
    ‘Your . . . friend. It was pretty obvious from what he said.’
    ‘Don’t look at me like that.’
    ‘Like what?’
    ‘I didn’t mean to fall in love.’
    He lets out a short, unpleasant laugh. They have reached the bottom of the escalator. He picks up his pace and she’s forced to run a little to keep up. The tunnel smells of stale air and burnt rubber. ‘I didn’t. ’
    ‘Rubbish – you make a choice. Everyone makes a choice.’
    ‘So you’ve never been transported by something, never felt that pull?’
    He faces her. ‘Of course I have. But if acting on it meant I was going to hurt someone else, I took a step back.’
    Her face flames. ‘Well, aren’t you wonderful?’
    ‘No. But you’re hardly a victim of circumstance. Presumably you knew he was married and chose to go along with it anyway. You had the choice to say no.’
    ‘It didn’t feel like that.’
    His voice lifts sarcastically. ‘“It was bigger than both of us.” I think you’ve been more affected by those love letters than you think.’
    ‘Oh, well, good for you, Mr Practical. Bully for you that you can turn your emotions on and off like taps. Yes, I let myself fall into it – okay? Immoral, yes. Ill-advised? Well, judging by your response, obviously. But I felt something magical for a bit and – and don’t worry, I’ve been paying for it ever since.’
    ‘But you’re not the only one, are you? Every act has a consequence, Ellie. In my view the world divides into people who can see that, and make a decision accordingly, and those who just go for what feels good at the time.’
    ‘Oh, Christ! Have you any idea how bloody pompous you sound?’ She’s shouting now, barely conscious of the curious commuters who file past, fed into the tunnels of the District and Circle Lines.
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘And no one in your world is allowed to make a mistake?’
    ‘Once,’ he says. ‘You can make a mistake once.’
    He stares off into the distance, his jaw set, as if working out how much to say. Then he turns to face her. ‘I was on the other side, okay, Ellie? I loved someone who found someone else that she couldn’t resist. Something that was “bigger than both of them”. Until, of course, he dumped her. And I let her back into my life and she burnt me a second time. So, yes, I do have an opinion on it.’
    She’s rooted to the spot. There’s a rush of noise, a blast of hot, disturbed air as a train approaches. Passengers surge forward.
    ‘You know something?’ he says, his voice lifting over the din. ‘I’m not judging you for falling in love with this man. Who knows? Perhaps he’s the love of your life. Perhaps his wife really would be better off without him. Perhaps the two of you really were meant to be . But you could have said no to me.’ Suddenly she sees something unexpected, something raw and exposed, in his face. ‘That’s what I’m having trouble getting my head round. You could have said no to me. That would have been the right thing to do.’
    He hops lightly into the packed carriage just as the doors close. It pulls away, with a deafening whine.
    She watches his departing back in the illuminated window until it disappears. The right thing for who?
    Hey, babe,
    Thought of you all weekend. How is uni? Barry says all birds who go to uni eventually find someone else but I told him he was talking out of his backside. He’s