The Other Hand

write the book myself.”
    “You said all that to Lawrence?”
    “That’s when he went ballistic.” Sarah sighed. “I think he’s jealous of Andrew.”
    We stood and looked out over the river for a long time. A breeze had started to blow. It was not much, but enough to darken the smooth surface of the river. Now, I thought. I gripped my handsonto the railings and tried to make the courage of the city flow into my bones again.
    “Sarah,” I said. “I want to tell you my feelings about Lawrence.”
    She looked at me sharply.
    “I know what you’re going to tell me. You’ll tell me he cares more about himself than he cares about me. You’ll tell me to watch out for him. And I’ll tell you that’s just what men are like, but you’re too young to know it yet, and so you and I will argue too, and then I really will be utterly miserable. So don’t say it, okay?”
    I shook my head.
    “Please, Sarah.”
    “I don’t want to hear it. I’ve chosen Lawrence. I’m thirty-two, Bee. If I want to make a stable life for Charlie, I have to start sticking with my choices. I didn’t stick with Andrew, and now I know I should have. But now there’s Lawrence. And he isn’t perfect, you’re right. But I can’t just keep walking away.” Sarah took a deep and shaking breath. “At some point you just have to have to turn around and face your life head-on.”
    She looked at me for a long time, and then she held on to me and we hugged each other tight.
    “Oh Bee,” said Sarah.
    We stood and held each other like that, and after we had been quiet for a long time Sarah stood up straight and swept back her hair.
    “Go down and play with Charlie and Lawrence,” she said. “I have to make a phone call.”
    I looked at Sarah and she smiled at me, and I walked back down the steps to the place Lawrence and Charlie were playing. They were picking up the small round stones from the edge of the mud and throwing them into the river. When I came close, Charlie carried on throwing stones and Lawrence turned to me.
    “Did you talk her out of it?” he said.
    “Out of what?”
    “Her book. She had some idea she was going to finish a book Andrew was writing. Didn’t she tell you?”
    “Yes. She told me. I did not talk her out of the book but I did not talk her out of you either.”
    Lawrence grinned. “Good girl. See? We’re going to get along after all. Is she still upset? Why hasn’t she come down here with you?”
    “She is making a phone call.”
    “Fair enough.”
    We stood there for a moment, looking at each other.
    “You still think I’m a bastard, don’t you?”
    I shrugged.
    “I’m not,” said Lawrence. “I’ll even help you, if you help me.”
    “What help do you need from me?”
    “You could just go, Little Bee. Couldn’t you? Quietly and without fuss.”
    “I already thought about that.”
    “So what’s stopping you? Money? I can give you money.”
    I looked down at my shoes and then I looked back up. “You will pay me to go away?”
    “Don’t make it sound like that. It isn’t easy to get started in this country without money for food and rent. I don’t want to put you on the streets, that’s all.”
    He was still holding a stone in his hand and I took it from between his fingers. It was warm and smooth and I turned it around and around in my hands, polishing it with the moisture in my palms.
    I said, “What is your wife’s name?”
    Lawrence looked at his hands. “Linda.”
    “And your children?”
    Lawrence did not look in my eyes.
    “Sonia,” he said. “And Stephen. And Simon’s the, um, the baby.”
    “Hmm.”
    I weighed the stone and I turned it around and around between my fingers and then I dropped it on the sand.
    “You should go back to them,” I said.
    Lawrence looked at me then, and I felt a great sadness because there was nothing in his eyes. I looked away over the water. I looked and I saw the blue reflection of the sky. I stared for a long time now, because I understood that I was looking into the eyes of death again, and death was still not looking away and neither could I.
    Then there was the barking of dogs. I jumped, and my eyes followed the sound and I felt relief, because I saw the dogs up on the walkway above us, and they were only fat yellow family dogs, out for a walk with their master. Then I saw Sarah, coming down the steps toward us. Her arms were hanging by her sides, and in one of her hands she held her mobile phone. She walked up to us, took a