The Perks of Being a Wallflower

when it’s peaceful outside, and you’re seeing things move, and you don’t want to, and everyone is asleep. And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing “unity.”
    It’s like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you’re happy, too.
    I just remembered what made me think of all this. I’m going to write it down because maybe if I do I won’t have to think about it. And I won’t get upset. But the thing is that I can hear Sam and Craig having sex, and for the first time in my life, I understand the end of that poem.
    And I never wanted to. You have to believe me.
    Love always,
Charlie         

part 3

January 4, 1992
    Dear friend,
    I’m sorry for that last letter. To tell you the truth, I don’t really remember much of it, but I know from how I woke up that it probably wasn’t very nice. All I remember from the rest of that night was looking all over the house for an envelope and a stamp. When I finally found them, I wrote your address and walked down the hill past the trees to the post office because I knew that if I didn’t put it in a mailbox that I couldn’t get it back from, I would never mail the letter.
    It’s weird how important it seemed at the time.
    Once I got to the post office, I dropped the letter into the mailbox. And it felt final. And calm. Then, I started throwing up, and I didn’t stop throwing up until the sun came up. I looked at the road and saw a lot of cars, and I knew they were all going to their grandparents’ house. And I knew a lot of them would watch my brother play football later that day. And my mind played hopscotch.
    My brother … football … Brad … Dave and his girlfriend in my room … the coats … the cold … the winter … “Autumn Leaves” … don’t tell anyone … you pervert… Sam and Craig … Sam… Christmas … typewriter… gift… Aunt Helen … and the trees kept moving … they just wouldn’t stop moving … so I laid down and made a snow angel.
    The policemen found me pale blue and asleep.
    I didn’t stop shivering from the cold until a long time after my mom and dad drove me home from the emergency room. Nobody got in trouble because these things used to happen to me when I was a kid when I was seeing the doctors. I would just wander off and fall asleep somewhere. Everyone knew I went to a party, but nobody, not even my sister, thought it was because of that. And I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want Sam or Patrick or Bob or anyone to get in trouble. But most of all, I didn’t want to see my mother’s face and especially my father’s if they heard me say the truth.
    So, I didn’t say anything.
    I just kept quiet and looked around. And I noticed things. The dots on the ceiling. Or how the blanket they gave me was rough. Or how the doctor’s face looked rubbery. Or how everything was a deafening whisper, when he said that maybe I should start seeing a psychiatrist again. It was the first time a doctor ever told that to my parents with me in the room. And his coat was so white. And I was so tired.
    All I could think through the whole day was that we missed my brother’s football game because of me, and I really hoped my sister thought to tape it.
    Luckily, she did.
    We got home, and my mom made me some tea, and my dad asked me if I wanted to sit and watch the game, and I said yes. We watched my brother make a great play, but this time, nobody really cheered. All corners of all eyes were on me. And my mom said a lot of encouraging things about how I was doing so well this school year and maybe the doctor would help me sort things out. My mom can be quiet and talk at the same time when she’s being positive. My dad kept giving me “love pats.” Love pats are soft punches of encouragement that are administered on the knee, shoulder, and arm. My sister said that she could help me fix up my hair. It was weird to have them pay so much attention to me.
    “What do you mean? What’s wrong with my hair?”
    My sister just kind of