The Perks of Being a Wallflower

how nice it was that everyone applauded for me and how glad I was that nobody in my family was there to see me play Rocky in a feather boa. Especially my dad.
    I did get an erection, though, but not until later, in the parking lot of the Big Boy.
    That’s when Mary Elizabeth asked me to the Sadie Hawkins’ dance after she said, “You looked really good in your costume.”
    I like girls. I really do. Because they can think you look good in a bathing suit even when you don’t. The erection made me feel guilty in hindsight though, but I guess it couldn’t be helped.
    I told my sister about having a date for the dance, but she was really distracted. Then, I tried to ask her advice about how to treat a girl on a date since I’ve never had a date before, but she wouldn’t answer. She wasn’t being mean. She was just “staring off into space.” I asked her if she was okay, and she said that she needed to be alone, so I went up and finished Naked Lunch.
    After I finished, I just laid around in my bed, looking at the ceiling, and I smiled because it was a nice kind of quiet.
    Love always,
Charlie         
    February 9, 1992
    Dear friend,
    I have to say something about my last letter. I know that Sam would never ask me to the dance. I know that she would bring Craig, and if not Craig, then Patrick since Brad’s girlfriend, Nancy, is going with Brad. I think Mary Elizabeth is a really smart and pretty person, and I’m glad that she is my first date ever. But after I said yes, and Mary Elizabeth announced it to the group, I wanted Sam to be jealous. I know it’s wrong to want something like that, but I really did.
    Sam wasn’t jealous, though. To tell you the truth, I don’t think she could have been happier about it, which was hard.
    She even told me how to treat a girl on a date, which was very interesting. She said that with a girl like Mary Elizabeth, you shouldn’t tell her she looks pretty. You should tell her how nice her outfit is because her outfit is her choice whereas her face isn’t. She also said that with some girls, you should do things like open car doors and buy flowers, but with Mary Elizabeth (especially since it’s the Sadie Hawkins’ dance), I shouldn’t do that. So, I asked her what I should do, and she said that I should ask a lot of questions and not mind when Mary Elizabeth doesn’t stop talking. I said that it didn’t sound very democratic, but Sam said she does it all the time with boys.
    Sam did say that sex things were tricky with Mary Elizabeth since she’s had boyfriends before and is a lot more experienced than I am. She said that the best thing to do when you don’t know what to do during anything sexual is pay attention to how that person is kissing you and kiss them back the same way. She says that is very sensitive, which I certainly want to be.
    So, I said, “Can you show me?”
    And she said, “Don’t be smart.”
    We talk to each other like that every now and then. It always makes her laugh. After Sam showed me a Zippo lighter trick, I asked her more about Mary Elizabeth.
    “What if I don’t want to do anything sexual with her?”
    “Just say you’re not ready.”
    “Does that work?”
    “Sometimes.”
    I wanted to ask Sam about the other side of “sometimes,” but I didn’t want to be too personal, and I didn’t want to know deep down. I wish I could stop being in love with Sam. I really do.
    Love always,
Charlie         
    February 15, 1992
    Dear friend,
    I don’t feel very well because everything is messy. I did go to the dance, and I did tell Mary Elizabeth how nice her outfit was. I did ask her questions, and I let her talk the whole time. I learned a lot about “objectification,” Native Americans, and the bourgeoisie.
    But most of all, I learned about Mary Elizabeth.
    Mary Elizabeth wants to go to Berkeley and get two degrees. One is for political science. The other is for sociology with a minor concentration in women’s studies. Mary Elizabeth hates high school and wants to explore lesbian relationships. I asked her if she thought girls were pretty, and she looked at me like I was stupid and said, “That’s not the point.”
    Mary Elizabeth’s favorite movie is Reds. Her favorite book is an autobiography of a woman who was a character in Reds. I can’t remember her name. Mary Elizabeth’s favorite color is green. Her favorite season is spring. Her favorite ice cream flavor (she said she refuses to eat low-fat frozen