The Perks of Being a Wallflower

feel about that now? Maybe he didn’t really encourage me to do things, but he didn’t prevent me from doing them either. But after a while, I didn’t do things because I didn’t want him to think different about me. But the thing is, I wasn’t being honest. So, why would I care whether or not he loved me when he didn’t really even know me?”
    I looked up at her. She had stopped crying.
    “So, tomorrow, I’m leaving. And I’m not going to let that happen again with anyone else. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. But right now I’m here with you. And I want to know where you are, what you need, and what you want to do.”
    She waited patiently for my answer. But after everything she said, I figured that I should just do what I wanted to do. Not think about it. Not say it out loud. And if she didn’t like it, then she could just say so. And we could go back to packing.
    So, I kissed her. And she kissed me back. And we lay down on the floor and kept kissing. And it was soft. And we made quiet noises. And kept silent. And still. We went over to the bed and lay down on all the things that weren’t put in suitcases. And we touched each other from the waist up over our clothes. And then under our clothes. And then without clothes. And it was so beautiful. She was so beautiful. She took my hand and slid it under her pants. And I touched her. And I just couldn’t believe it. It was like everything made sense. Until she moved her hand under my pants, and she touched me.
    That’s when I stopped her.
    “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Did that hurt?”
    I shook my head. It felt good actually. I didn’t know what was wrong.
    “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
    “No. Don’t be sorry,” I said.
    “But, I feel bad,” she said.
    “Please don’t feel bad. It was very nice,” I said. I was starting to get really upset.
    “You’re not ready?” she asked.
    I nodded. But that wasn’t it. I didn’t know what it was.
    “It’s okay that you’re not ready,” she said. She was being really nice to me, but I was just feeling so bad.
    “Charlie, do you want to go home?” she asked.
    I guess I nodded because she helped me get dressed. And then she put on her shirt. And I wanted to kick myself for being such a baby. Because I loved Sam. And we were together. And I was ruining it. Just ruining it. Just terrible. I felt so terrible.
    She took me outside.
    “Do you need a ride?” she asked. I had my father’s car. I wasn’t drunk. She looked really worried.
    “No, thanks.”
    “Charlie, I’m not going to let you drive like this.”
    “I’m sorry. I’ll walk then,” I said.
    “It’s two o’clock in the morning. I’m driving you home.”
    She went to another room to get the car keys. I just stood in the entry hall. I felt like I wanted to die.
    “You’re white as a sheet, Charlie. Do you need some water?”
    “No. I don’t know.” I started to cry really hard.
    “Here. Just lie down on the couch,” she said.
    She laid me down on the couch. She brought out a damp washcloth and put it on my forehead.
    “You can sleep here tonight. Okay?”
    “Okay.”
    “Just calm down. Take deep breaths.”
    I did what she told me. And just before I fell asleep, I said something.
    “I can’t do that anymore. I’m sorry,” I said.
    “It’s okay, Charlie. Just go to sleep,” Sam said.
    But I wasn’t talking to Sam anymore. I was talking to someone else.
    When I fell asleep, I had this dream. My brother and my sister and I were watching television with my Aunt Helen. Everything was in slow motion. The sound was thick. And she was doing what Sam was doing. That’s when I woke up. And I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Sam and Patrick were standing over me. Patrick asked if I wanted some breakfast. I guess I nodded. We went and ate. Sam still looked worried. Patrick looked normal. We had bacon and eggs with their parents, and everyone made small talk. I don’t know why I’m telling you about bacon and eggs. It’s not important. It’s not important at all. Mary Elizabeth and everyone came over, and while Sam’s mom was busy checking everything twice, we all walked to the driveway. Sam and Patrick’s parents got in the van. Patrick got in the driver’s side of Sam’s pickup truck, telling everyone he’d see them in a couple of days. Then, Sam hugged and said good-bye to everyone. Since she was coming