The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy With Autism

visit on an upcoming school trip, for example, can spoil our fun.

Q57 W HAT CAUSES PANIC ATTACKS AND MELTDOWNS?
    I don’t know if you can understand this one. Panic attacks can be triggered by many things, but even if you set up an ideal environment that gets rid of all the usual causes for a given person, we would
still
suffer panic attacks now and then.
    One of the biggest misunderstandings you have about us is your belief that our feelings aren’t as subtle and complex as yours. Because how we behave can appear so childish in your eyes, you tend to assume that we’re childish on the inside, too. But of course, we experience the same emotions that you do. And because people with autism aren’t skilful talkers, we may in fact be even more sensitive than you are. Stuck here inside these unresponsive bodies of ours, with feelings we can’t properly express, it’s always a struggle just to survive. And it’s this feeling of helplessness which sometimes drives us half crazy, and brings on a panic attack or a meltdown.
    When this is happening to us, please just let us cry, or yell, and get it all out. Stay close by and keep a gentle eye on us, and while we’re swept up in our torment, please stop us hurting ourselves or others.

Q58 W HAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON AUTISM ITSELF?
    I think that people with autism are born outside the regime of civilization. Sure, this is just my own made-up theory, but I think that, as a result of all the killings in the world and selfish planet-wrecking that humanity has committed, a deep sense of crisis exists.
    Autism has somehow arisen out of this. Although people with autism look like other people physically, we are in fact very different in many ways. We are more like travellers from the distant, distant past. And if, by our being here, we could help the people of the world remember what truly matters for the Earth, that would give us a quiet pleasure.



F OREWORD
    I wrote this story in the hope that it will help you to understand how painful it is when you can’t express yourself to the people you love. If this story connects with your heart in some way, then I believe you’ll be able to connect back to the hearts of people with autism too.

I’ M RIGHT HERE
    Shun used to think that he knew himself very well, but from that day on he was no longer sure.
Everyone’s staring at my face
. The early evening sky was ominous with orange clouds bound by ash-grey.
Why are they all staring at me?
When Shun had emerged from his local supermarket, an old man came over and asked, ‘What are you doing here?’ Shun had never met him before. He wore a red hat pulled down low over his eyes, a white T-shirt and black knee-length shorts, even though it was winter.
Never talk to strangers
, Shun had told himself, and started hurrying for home. And that was the moment when Shun noticed –
everyone’s staring at my face
. His first thought was that everyone was worrying about him, but no, it wasn’t that kind of look … How to put it? Not a surprised look, not a searching gaze … more of an icy, heart-chilling stare. Whatever it was, Shun ran off home.
    ‘I’m back!’
    Shun was relieved to get back home, safe and sound at last. His mum was busy preparing supper as usual. Shun opened the fridge and spoke to his mum while he took out a carton of juice. ‘Hey, Mum, today I …’ Then Shun’s words just dried up. She was just standing there. Apron on, pan in hand, her hair and clothes the same as they were when Shun had left home earlier, but still, Shun couldn’t move a muscle.
That icy stare again
. Everything seemed to be revolving around him in slow motion.
Get away from here, go, now, get out!
Was Shun thinking this, or was someone ordering him? Shun managed to marshal his unmoving body into action, and he fled outside, almost howling.
    Shun found himself in a park, with no memory of how he’d arrived there. Even though it was cold, his body was soaked in sweat. He was exhausted.
What’s going on
? To try to get a grip on things, Shun decided to look back over the day.
I woke up, I went to school, I came home. So far, so normal. And after that … after that …
He remembered nothing.
What the hell did I do next
? Shun sat on his bench, staring into space, while the wintry wind blew all around him. Like the hole in the middle of a doughnut, the memory had somehow fallen out from Shun’s mind. He couldn’t even cry.
How strange that a person can keep his head, even when things