The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy With Autism

have become as desperate as this
. The sun was sinking low now.
I have to do something about this
, Shun thought, yet at the same time, he was also feeling,
whatever happens to me, happens
. How much time had gone by? Shun noticed darkness all around him. He hauled himself to his feet.
    With no clear destination in mind, Shun carried on walking. Nobody else was around. Maybe all the people were in their houses. However lonely Shun might have felt, he didn’t want to see anyone, not even his friends.
I wonder if they’re worrying about me at home by now?
Shun’s feet led him back to his house.
    But it looked as though his house was in complete darkness. Shun’s dad was supposed to come home from work early that day, so Shun wondered where his parents could have got to. At the same time, he felt relief to be back.
They must have gone out to look for me
, he thought.
And it wasn’t as if anyone was actually hassling me, earlier, they kept staring at me in that weird way, that’s all
. Feeling much better now, Shun decided to wait for his parents in front of his house. The winter sky at night was beautiful, and the flickering of the stars soothed his heart.
    Footsteps drew nearer.
That must be Mum and Dad
. Shun went running up to them. ‘I’m really, really sorry to make you worry about me, I just …’ But something was very wrong about them.
Maybe they can’t recognize me in the dark?
So Shun grabbed his mother by her arm …
    … or he thought he did, but her arm wasn’t there.
What? This can’t be happening!
Shun had absolutely no idea what was going on. He just stood there, struck dumb, as his parents walked by, right in front of him. All Shun could do was repeat to himself,
this can’t be true, it can’t be true
. He crouched on the ground, hugging his knees.
What’s happening to me? What’s going on? Help me. Help …
    ‘Ah, so here you are.’ Shun heard a voice and looked up. Standing there was the old man he’d met outside the supermarket. He was looking down at Shun with a kind face. ‘You’re all right. You’re all right. Let’s go back together.’ The old man took hold of Shun’s hand.
    Shun just looked at the old man.
    Softly, the old man told Shun, ‘You don’t belong to this world any more.’
    Shun didn’t have a clue what he was on about.
    ‘Shun,’ the old man said, ‘you didn’t notice the moment that you died. On your way to the supermarket, I’m afraid you were hit by a car that jumped the red light.’
    The memory of the scene slowly returned to Shun.
Yeah, that’s right, I meant to dodge the car, but then I sort of froze and couldn’t move, yes, then I was hit, and I thought
, What an ungodly mess
this
is going to be,
but then I came round again and there I was, still outside the supermarket …
Shun’s eyes began to brim with tears.
So I’m dead? Me? Dead? And I can’t even stop blubbing … I don’t want to be dead. No. No, no. No!
    Shun cried, and he kept on crying.
    How much time had gone by? Nobody can cry for ever, after all. By and by Shun’s tears dried up, but his mind was still blank. The old man spoke: ‘Righto. What say we go back now?’
    Back? Go back where?
‘But my home’s right … here.’ Shun had a quick peek into his house through the window. He could see into the living room.
Crying … Mum and Dad are both crying their eyes out
.
    Shun’s eyes started filling up once again.
    So what am I supposed to do now?
    The old man motioned to Shun and began walking, and, as if drawn after him by an invisible cord, Shun followed. The old man strode out towards the west.
What’s waiting for me up ahead?
Even though Shun was dead, he was still gripped by the fear of death. In a quaking voice he asked, ‘Where are we going?’
    The old man put his arm around Shun’s shoulder and replied matter-of-factly: ‘We’re off to Heaven, of course.’
    ‘Oh. I’ve, um … never been to Heaven before.’
    The old man laughed out loud. ‘Obviously.’
    The Path to Heaven.
Yes, I read about it in a book, a long time ago … It was a beautiful white path leading upwards to Heaven, with the loveliest never-ever-seen flowers all around
. Thinking these things, Shun kept pace with the old man. About half an hour may have passed. Shun was wondering if the Path to Heaven could really be as plain and dull as this one. What’s more, he didn’t feel the remotest bit dead. Even though things had looked so desperate and bleak before, Shun was now feeling much