The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy With Autism

Well, there’s nothing else for it. It’s time I asked God for help
. Shun called out in a loud voice: ‘God? I’ve got a favour to ask!’
    Shimmering out of the mist, God materialized. ‘I believe you called.’
    ‘My parents are still mourning my death, but there’s nothing I can do for them, and it’s just … unbearable.’
    God nodded as he listened. ‘Well, I do understand how you must be feeling. Thing is, that’s life, isn’t it? But your mum and dad will be able to see you again here, when their own numbers are up.’
    Shun understood God’s words, but he still didn’t feel any better. ‘It’s too much for my parents to bear, though. And it’s impossible for me to live happily here in Heaven, knowing the pain that my parents are going through!’ Shun found he was almost shouting.
    ‘Mmm … it is a tricky one. Nowhere’s as pleasant as Heaven …’ God was deep in thought. ‘Well, I’m not saying there
isn’t
a way to help your parents.’ He then told Shun something quite unexpected. ‘Namely, being born to your parents as their child once again.’
    Hearing this, Shun’s heart leapt with joy. ‘Really? Can you honestly do that?’ His voice was ragged with excitement and his heart beat faster.
If this can really happen, I’ll go back to them right now
.
    But, as if reading Shun’s mind, God quickly went on: ‘There is, however, one small catch.’ God looked Shun straight in the eye. ‘Once you are born, you won’t be Shun any longer. All your memories of Shun, of
being
Shun, will cease to exist.’
    So there won’t be any Me any more
. Shun’s hopes withered.
My existence will be wiped out, for ever
. Now Shun understood a bit better why Kazuo and his other friends were staying on so long in Heaven.
So what do I do
? Shun wavered.
If I’m not going to be myself any more, what’s the point of being reborn
?
    From Heaven, Shun stared down at the blue Earth.
    A whole month had passed, but Shun still hadn’t made up his mind. He hadn’t gone back home, not even once. Life in Heaven suited Shun well, and the thought that he would be seeing his parents here some day gave him a degree of comfort.
Time will sort out everything
, Shun had started to believe.
    By and by, a year went by since Shun had died.
    On the following Sunday, Shun revisited his old home for the first time in a long time. His mum wasn’t in the house, however. He was wondering whether she had gone out shopping when the phone rang. Shun’s dad came to answer it. ‘I see,’ he said, ‘I’ll be right over.’
    Shun’s dad’s voice was an empty husk. He dashed out of the house and Shun followed, with an ominous feeling. … They arrived at the hospital. Shun’s dad wore a grim expression.
Mum’s been hospitalized?
Shun entered her room and gasped with surprise.
Can this really be my mum?
    Lying on the hospital bed was a wrung-out and sickly-pale Mum. She almost looked like a stranger. Shun’s dad, too, looked utterly exhausted.
    No way! How can Mum have ended up like this?
    Shun himself was too gutted to make a sound.
When we all lived together, Mum used to be so cheerful, so bright
. This was appalling.
    The doctor concluded his examination and spoke. ‘Based on her current condition,’ he said, ‘I’m afraid there’s no guarantee that she’ll pull through.’
    Before the doctor had even finished, Shun rushed up to his mum and shouted, ‘Mum, you mustn’t die yet! Don’t die! Please, please, please! Just …
don’t
!’ But his voice couldn’t reach where she was.
No, this is too much to take. Even if we met in Heaven, this woman here isn’t the same Mum I used to love
.
    Even though Shun’s mum couldn’t hear his voice, in her delirium she called out his name. ‘
I want to see Shun … Shun … Shun …
’ Shun couldn’t bear the pain any more. It was strangling him, almost.
I thought we could both cope with being separated so long as our hearts stayed connected, but you’ve lost your spirit and your will to live, haven’t you, Mum?
His heart was being torn down the middle.
It’s me who caused this grief, so it’s me who has to help her now. If I don’t do what I can, she’s going to die of a broken heart
.
    Shun made up his mind.
    The future is a thing we build
.
    He summoned up every ounce of courage, but spoke calmly: ‘Please, God, I want you to return me to my mother.’
    In the air, many-coloured orbs appeared, and inside each one was a tiny gold sphere. Then, before