The Reunion

to turn around, to put her arms around him, to apologise. She didn’t. Eventually, he fell asleep.
    He got up early to finish packing; he needed to be at Gatwick by nine. He brought Jen a cup of tea, placing it on the bedside table. Her eyes remained closed. When the time came for him to leave, he stood there for a long time, in the doorway, just as he’d done the night before, when he asked her the question she still hadn’t answered.
    ‘I’m leaving now,’ he said, and she sat bolt upright with a start.
    ‘Conor,’ she said softly, ‘please, I’m sorry. Don’t go yet. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I was just feeling…’
    ‘I’ll miss the flight,’ he said abruptly, cutting her off. He was irritated, because she knew he had to leave, and if she’d wanted to talk, if she’d really wanted to make up with him, she could have done so earlier.
    ‘Please,’ she said again, her voice small and tight.
    He shook his head. ‘I don’t know what’s going on with you, Jen. It seems like I’m the one putting in all the effort here. And it seems like no matter what I do, it’s wrong.’ He picked up his bag and turned to go and saw the look on her face and knew that she was going to cry and in that second decided that he wasn’t going to comfort her.
    He left without kissing her goodbye.
    The second he got into Cork airport, he was going to call her at work and tell her how sorry he was, that he loved her more than anything, that he always would. And he would apologise for asking her whether she still loved him, because he knew that she did, he knew it in the core of him, how could he have questioned it? It was insulting to her, it was hurtful. And though he still felt that she’d been unfair, now, in the cold clear light of day, up here at 30,000 feet with danger of death imminent, he could admit that he had perhaps taken decisions that, just maybe, he ought to have discussed with her. Like going to Cork for Christmas, for example.
    And thinking about it, he knew full well why she said what she did about marriage and children, he knew that she’d overheard him talking to his mum and his aunties after Christmas lunch, when they’d been asking when there would be a wedding, and grandchildren, and all that, and he’d been saying soon, within a year or two. He knew she’d felt a bit put out about that, but he’d only been saying it to get them off his back. Only, it struck him that he’d never really explained that to her, not in so many words.
    If only they’d talked through it. And there was the problem, in a nutshell, they hadn’t been talking the way they used to. That was probably his fault too, or mostly his fault, in any case. He was working all the time, he was going to Ireland a lot, plus there were those months when Dan was staying (which was another decision he’d taken without really talking it through with her), when they didn’t have much time to themselves.
    As long as he could talk to her, as long as this plane didn’t pitch into the sea, he’d make it right.

Chapter Thirty-two

    SHE CALLED IN sick, and she didn’t even feel guilty about it, because she
felt
sick. When she heard the front door close, when she realised he’d really gone, that she wouldn’t be able to see him, hold him, make it up to him for a whole week, she felt physically ill.
    She pulled the duvet over her head and lay there, replaying the argument over and over. She’d been unreasonable. She’d been unkind. She’d thrown a pizza slice at his head. She’d said terrible, awful things. Bloody wife, bloody children. She kept hearing him ask her over and over again, whether she still loved him. She curled herself into a ball. If she stayed here all day, that was all she would hear, it wouldn’t stop. She had to get up, she had to do something.
    She showered, dressed and went downstairs to make herself a cup of tea. She rang Lilah, with whom she didn’t really want to spend the day, and was relieved when she said there was no way she could pull another sickie. She didn’t bother to call Nat or Andrew, because she knew very well that it would take Ebola fever or a severed limb to get either of them to call in sick. And in any case, she didn’t really want to spend the day with either of them.
    She wanted to spend the day with Dan. She just didn’t really want to think about why she’d rather be with him than with any of her other friends. The thought unnerved her. She couldn’t remember exactly when