The Science of Discworld II

what’s this?’
    He held the book open for all to see, his finger pointing at anillustration. It showed a drawing of an eye, side on, to one side of the apparatus.
    â€˜Perhaps it’s a God of Science?’ Rincewind suggested. ‘Watching to see who keeps taking things?’
    â€˜So … science is done by anyone,’ said Ridcully, ‘and most of the equipment is stolen and it’s all watched by a giant eyeball?’
    As one wizard, they looked around, guiltily.
    â€˜There’s just us,’ said Ponder.
    â€˜Then this isn’t science,’ said Ridcully. ‘No giant eyeball visible. Anyway, we can see it isn’t science. It’s just engineering. Any bright lad could have built it. It’s obvious how it works.’
    â€˜How does it work?’ said Rincewind.
    â€˜Very simply,’ said Ridcully. ‘The screw goes round and round and the water comes out here.’
    â€˜Hex?’ said Ponder, and held out his hand. A large volume appeared in it. It was slim, full of colourful pictures, and entitled Great Moments in Science . It hadn’t escaped his notice that when Hex or the Librarian wanted to explain something to the wizards they used a children’s book.
    He flicked through the passages. Big pictures, big writing.
    â€˜Ah,’ he said. ‘Archimedes invented this. He was a philosopher. He’s also famous because one day, when he got into his bath, it overflowed. It says here this gave him an idea—’
    â€˜Buy a bigger bath?’ said the Dean.
    â€˜Philosophers are always having ideas in the bath,’ said Ridcully. ‘All right, if we’ve got nothing else to go on …’
    â€˜Gentlemen, please?’ pleaded Ponder. ‘Hex, take us to Archimedes. Oh, and give me a towel …’
    â€˜Nice place,’ said the Dean, as the wizards sat on the sea wall, staring out at the wine-dark sea. ‘I can feel the sea air doing me good. Anyone for more wine?’
    It had been quite an interesting day. But, Ponder asked, had it been science? There was a pile of books beside him. Hex had been busy.
    â€˜Must have been science,’ said Ridcully. ‘King gave your man a problem. How to tell if the crown was all gold. He was thinking about it.Water sloshed out of bath. He leaped out, we handed him a towel, and then he worked out that … what was it?’
    â€˜The apparent loss of weight of a body totally or partially immersed in a liquid is equal to the weight of the liquid it displaces,’ said Ponder.
    â€˜Right. And he sees it doesn’t just work with bodies, it works with crowns, too. A few tests, and bingo, science,’ said Ridcully. ‘Science is just working things out. And paying attention. And hoping there’s someone around to dry you off.’
    â€˜I’m not … exactly sure that’s all there is to it,’ said Ponder. ‘I’ve been doing some reading and even people who do science don’t seem clear about what it is. Look at Archimedes, for example. Is a bright idea enough? Is it science if you just solve problems? Is that science, or what you get before you have science?’
    â€˜Your book of Great Moments calls him a scienter,’ Ridcully pointed.
    â€˜Scientist,’ Ponder corrected him. ‘But I’m not sure about that, either. I mean, that sort of thing happens a lot. People always like to believe that what they’re doing has been hallowed by history. Supposing men found out how to fly. They’d probably say “Early experimenters with man-powered flight included Gudrun the Idiot, who leaped off the clock tower in Pseudopolis after soaking his trousers in dew and gluing swan feathers to his shirt” when in fact he wasn’t an early aviator—’
    â€˜â€”he was a late idiot?’ said Rincewind.
    â€˜Exactly. It’s like with wizards, Archchancellor. You can’t just call yourself a wizard. Other wizards have to agree that you’re a wizard.’
    â€˜So you can’t have just one scientist, but you can have two?’
    â€˜It appears so, Archchancellor.’
    Ridcully lit his pipe. ‘Well, mildly entertaining though it is to watch philosophers having a bath, can we simply ask Hex to find us a scientist who is definitely a scientist and who is regarded by other scientists as a scientist? Then all we have to do is find out if what he’s doing is any use to us.