The Science of Discworld IV

erratically when it comes to threats.
Acerbic
is only a beginning. Thank you, Mister Stibbons, and you may go.’
    Marjorie had been watching all this with a kind of weird fascination. This place was certainly magical; occasionally you saw the wretched squid somewhere about the place, and candles were lit with a wave of the hand, though curiously enough created mundanelyby servants. The magic was
there
but apparently like, for example, a really good bank balance: ready for use if required, and otherwise barely noticed.
    As Ponder Stibbons rushed off, she drew breath and said, ‘Mustrum, since I am your guest, do you not mind telling me what that just now was all about? It sounded deeply interesting!’
    ‘My dear Miss Daw …’
    Before Mustrum could articulate a further word, Marjorie said in a friendly voice, ‘I really do not mean any offence, but I am not
your
dear. I have a number of gentlemen friends – and occasionally others not so gentle – but I belong to none of them; I am indeed my own woman. I thank you for your hospitality, albeit because you accidentally dropped me here – and may I say I wouldn’t miss this for worlds – but I’m sure you understand that the important thing in life is to know
exactly
who you are. And I’m mine. No offence taken; just more of a heads up.’
    ‘Alas, Marjorie,’ the Archchancellor replied, dusting off the globe on his desk with one hand as he spoke, ‘I feel my head is down in presumptuous guilt. However, a word to the wise is enough, and since I perceive by the glint in your eye that we might still be friends, I shall send out for some coffee and a small snack, then spill the beans on this new development.’
    There appears to be no such thing as a snack in Unseen University. Indeed, the term was
used
, but you could probably stave off starvation for a week on a university ‘snack’. So shortly afterwards three trolleys were wheeled into the room by some servants, and the contents of the trolleys were like the biggest picnic imaginable.
    When Marjorie said so, the Archchancellor just laughed and said, ‘Anything that isn’t eaten is given to the students.
They
will eat everything. Please help yourself.’
    A bell was rung, a servant came with a further trolley wobbling under the weight of coffee pots and cups and saucers, then left, and Ridcully said, ‘Oh my, what can I tell you about Omnianism, whichis now uppermost in my mind to the extent that I rather wonder if your accidental arrival here has something to do with this wretched Omnian situation. In my experience, very little happens by chance. Ever since the beginning we have had a great many gods in our world, and they are mostly gods of phenomena and places and even functions – such as Anoia, the goddess of things which stick in drawers; that is wooden drawers, of course – the fabric type presumably have a different goddess. Among these was a reasonably decent religion known as the Church of Om, which eventually became extremely warlike and aggressive towards other faiths for the glory of their god. Then one day a decent man by the name of Brutha – possibly the ghost of a shamed god – changed everything about the way Omnianism worked, making it more based on helping others rather than repeatedly telling an all-seeing god how good he was. fn1 Which, I should imagine, must have been boring him to bits, yes?’
    Marjorie had an unsettled look, and then she said, ‘You know, don’t you, that this is quite similar to what many believe to have happened on my own world? Which, if you don’t mind me telling you, you have just defiled a little with a drop of mayonnaise … Is it likely that people back on Earth will see an asteroid of dairy products hurtling through the sky over their heads?’
    Mustrum smiled. ‘It can easily be removed. Besides, the connection between Roundworld and Discworld isn’t quite as simple as that. But they are linked by narrativium, one of the most powerful forces in the multiverse. It tells causality what to do next; or what
not
to do if the journey is not to come to an end so bleak that not even darkness itself could find a space, and after that there is only empty and screaming despair.’
    After a pause in which the air in the room seemed itself to be choking while the firmament crumbled and the mayonnaise dribbled down the side of the globe, the Archchancellor completely spoiledthe effect by brightening up with a big grin and saying, ‘But there is no need