The Science of Discworld Revised Edition

around. Now, if they were going to turn into things with legs, why are they still here?’
    ‘Tadpoles are fish,’ said the Bursar.
    ‘But a tadpole
knows
it’s going to be a frog,’ said Ridcully patiently. ‘There’s no narrativium on this world. That fish couldn’t be saying to itself “Ah, a new life beckons on dry land, walking around on things I haven’t yet got a name for.’” No, either the planet is somehow generating new life, or we’re back to the old “hidden gods” theory.’
    ‘It’s all gone wrong, you know,’ said the Dean. ‘It’s the bloodimindium. Even gods couldn’t control this place. Once there’s life, there’s complete and utter chaos. Remember that book the Librarian brought back? It’s a complete fantasy! Nothing seems to happen like that at all! Everything just does what it likes!’
    ‘Progress is being made,’ said Ponder.
    ‘Big amphibians?’ sneered the Senior Wrangler. ‘And things were going so well in the sea. Remember those jellyfish that made nets? And the crabs even had a flourishing land civilization! They had practically got a culture!’
    ‘They
ate
captured enemies
alive
,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, patiently.
    ‘Well … yes. But with a certain amount of etiquette, at least,’ the Senior Wrangler admitted. ‘And in front of their sand statue of the Great Big Crab. They were obviously attempting to control their world. And what good did it do them? A million tons of white hot ice smack between the eyestalks. It’s so upsetting.’
    ‘Perhaps they should have eaten more enemies,’ said the Dean.
    ‘Perhaps sooner or later the planet will get the message,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Time for the giant whelks, perhaps?’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, hopefully.
    ‘Big newts is what we’ve got right now,’ said Ridcully. He glanced at the Dean and Senior Wrangler. Ridcully hadn’t maintained his position atop the boiling heap of UU wizardry without a little political savvy. ‘And newts, gentlemen, might be the way to go. Amphibians? At home in the water
and
on land? The best of both worlds, I fancy.’
    The two wizards exchanged sheepish glances.
    ‘Well … I suppose …’ said the Senior Wrangler.
    ‘Could be,’ the Dean said grudgingly. ‘Could be.’
    ‘There we are then,’ said Ridcully happily. ‘The future is newt.’

THIRTY-FOUR
NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN

    THERE’S NO NARRATIVIUM on this world.’
    Let’s take a step away from the unfolding ancestral tale of The Fish That Came Out From The Sea and look at a more philosophical issue. The wizards are puzzled. On Discworld, things happen because narrative imperative
makes
them happen. There is no choice about ends, only about means. The Lecturer in Recent Runes is trying to make a sustainable lifeform happen. He thinks that the obstacle to sustainability is the fragility of life – so the only way he can see to achieve this is the two-mile limpet, proof against everything the sky can drop on it.
    It never occurs to him that lifeforms might achieve sustainability by other, less direct methods, despite the evidence of his eyes that suggests that a dogged tenacity appears to allow life to arise in the most inhospitable environment, effectively re-creating itself over and over again. The wizards are torn between evidence that a planet is the last place you’d choose to create life, and evidence that life doesn’t agree.
    On Discworld, it is clearly recognized that million-to-one chances happen nine times out of ten. 1 The reason is that every Discworld character lives out a story, and the demands of the story determine how their lives unfold. If a million to one chance is required to keep that story on track, then that’s what will happen, appalling odds notwithstanding. On Discworld, abstractions generally show up as
things
, so there is even a thing – narrativium – that ensures that everybody obeys the narrative imperative. Another personification of the abstract, Death, also makes sure that each individual ’s story comes to an end exactly when it’s supposed to. Even if a character tries to behave contrary to the story in which they find themselves, narrativium makes sure that the end result is consistent with the story anyway.
    What’s puzzling the wizards is that our world isn’t like that …
    Or is it?
    After all, people live on our world too, and it’s people that drive stories.
    As case in point, a story about people who drive. The setting is Jerez