The Sinner: A Rizzoli & Isles Novel

strength had always impressed her. If Jane Rizzoli could fall apart, then anyone could.
    Rizzoli suddenly slapped her fists on her knees and took a few deep breaths. When at last she raised her head, the tears were still there, but pride had set her face in a rigid mask.
    “It’s the goddamn hormones. They’re screwing around with my head.”
    “How long have you known?”
    “I don’t know. A while, I guess. I finally did a home pregnancy test this morning. But I’ve sort of known for weeks. I could feel the difference. And I didn’t get my period.”
    “How late are you?”
    Rizzoli shrugged. “At least a month.”
    Maura leaned back in her chair. Now that Rizzoli had her emotions under control, Maura could retreat into her role of clinician. The cool-headed doctor, ready with practical advice. “You have plenty of time to decide.”
    Rizzoli gave a snort and wiped her hand across her face. “There’s nothing to decide.”
    “What are you going to do?”
    “I can’t have it. You know I can’t.”
    “Why not?”
    Rizzoli gave her a look reserved for imbeciles. “What would I do with a baby?”
    “What everyone else does.”
    “Can you see me being a mother?” Rizzoli laughed. “I’d be lousy at it. The kid wouldn’t survive a month in my care.”
    “Children are amazingly resilient.”
    “Yeah, well, I’m no good with them.”
    “You were very good with that little girl Noni.”
    “Right.”
    “You were, Jane. And she responded to you. She ignored me, and she shrinks from her own mother. But you two were like instant pals.”
    “It doesn’t mean I’m the mommy type. Babies freak me out. I don’t know what to do with ’em, except to hand ’em over to someone else, quick.” She released a sharp breath, as though that was that. Issue settled. “I can’t do it. I just can’t.” She rose from the chair and crossed to the door.
    “Have you told Agent Dean?”
    Rizzoli halted, her hand on the knob.
    “Jane?”
    “No, I haven’t told him.”
    “Why not?”
    “It’s kind of hard to have a conversation when we hardly see each other.”
    “Washington’s not the other end of the earth. It’s even in the same time zone. You could try picking up the phone. He’d want to know.”
    “Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe it’s just one of those complications he’d rather not hear about.”
    Maura sighed. “Okay, I admit it, I don’t know him very well. But in the short time we all worked together, he struck me as someone who takes his responsibilities seriously.”
    “Responsibilities?” Rizzoli finally turned and looked at her. “Oh, right. That’s what I am. That’s what this baby is. And he’s just enough of a Boy Scout to do his
duty
.”
    “I didn’t mean it that way.”
    “But you’re absolutely right. Gabriel
would
do his duty. Well, to hell with that. I don’t want to be some man’s problem, some man’s responsibility. Besides, it’s not his decision. It’s mine. I’m the one who’d have to raise it.”
    “You haven’t even given him a chance.”
    “A chance to what? Get down on his knee and propose to me?” Rizzoli laughed.
    “Why is that so far-fetched? I’ve seen you two together. I’ve seen how he looks at you. There’s more going on than just a one-night stand.”
    “Yeah. It was a two-week stand.”
    “That’s all it was to you?”
    “What else could we manage? He’s in Washington and I’m here.” She shook her head in amazement. “Jesus, I can’t believe I got caught. This is only supposed to happen to dumb chicks.” She stopped. Laughed. “Right. So what does that make me?”
    “Definitely not dumb.”
    “Unlucky. And too goddamn fertile.”
    “When was the last time you spoke to him?”
    “Last week. He called me.”
    “You didn’t think to tell him then?”
    “I wasn’t sure then.”
    “But you are now.”
    “And I’m still not going to tell him. I have to choose what’s right for me, not for anyone else.”
    “What are you afraid he’ll say?”
    “That he’ll talk me into screwing up my life. That he’ll tell me to keep it.”
    “Is that really what you’re afraid of? Or are you more afraid that he won’t want it? That he’ll reject you before you get the chance to reject him?”
    Rizzoli looked at Maura. “You know what, Doc?”
    “What?”
    “Sometimes, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
    And sometimes, thought Maura as she watched Rizzoli walk out of the office, I hit the