The stupidest angel: a heartwarming tale of Christmas terror

divorced five years ago. (He'd been constable of Pine Cove for fourteen years – he'd seen the wrong side of a lot of couples.) First rule in a domestic situation was separate the parties, but that appeared to have already been accomplished. You weren't supposed to take sides, but since Theo had a soft spot for nutcases – he'd married one himself – he decided to make a judgment call and focus his attention on Dale. Besides, the guy was an asshole.

    Theo patted Lena's back and loped over to Dale's truck.

    "Don't waste your time, hippie," Dale said. "I'm done." He climbed into his truck and closed the door.

    Hippie? Theo thought. Hippie? He'd cut his ponytail years ago. He'd stopped wearing Birkenstocks. He'd even stopped smoking pot. Where did this guy get off calling him a hippie?

    Hippie? he said to himself, then: "Hey!"

    Dale started his truck and put it into gear.

    Theo stepped up on the running board, leaned over the windshield, and started tapping on it with a quarter he'd fished from his jeans pocket. "Don't leave, Dale." Tap, tap, tap. "You leave now, I'll put a warrant out for your arrest." Tap, tap, tap. Theo was pissed now – he was sure of it. Yes, this was definitely anger now.

    Dale threw the truck into park and hit the electric window button. "What? What do you want?"

    "Lena wants to press charges for assault – maybe assault with a deadly weapon. I think you'd better rethink leaving right now."

    "Deadly weapon? It was a bag of ice."

    Theo shook his head, affected a whimsical storyteller's tone: "A ten-pound bag of ice. Listen, Dale, as I drop a ten-pound block of ice on the courtroom floor in front of the jury. Can you hear it? Can't you just see the jury cringe as I smash a honeydew melon on the defense attorney's table with a ten-pound block of ice? Not a deadly weapon? 'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this man, this reprobate, this redneck, this – if I may – clump-filled-cat-box-of-a-man, struck a defenseless woman – a woman who out of the kindness of her heart was collecting for the poor, a woman who was only – "

    "But it's not a block of ice, it's – "

    Theo raised a finger in the air. "Not another word, Dale, not until I read you your rights." Theo could tell he was getting to Dale – veins were starting to pulse in the contractor's temples and his bald head was turning bright pink. Hippie, huh? "Lena is definitely pressing charges, aren't you, Lena?"

    Lena had made her way to the side of the truck.

    "No," Lena said.

    "Bitch!" Theo said – it slipped out before he could stop himself. He'd been on such a roll.

    "See how she is," said Dale. "Wish you had a bag of ice now, don't you, hippie?"

    "I'm an officer of the law," Theo said, wishing he had a gun or something. He pulled his badge wallet out of his back pocket but decided that was a little late for ID, since he'd known Dale for nearly twenty years.

    "Yeah, and I'm a Caribou," Dale said, with more pride than he really should have had about that.

    "I'll forget all about it if he puts a hundred bucks in the kettle," Lena said.

    "You're nuts, woman."

    "It's Christmas, Dale."

    "Fuck Christmas and fuck you."

    "Hey, there's no need for that kind of talk, Dale," Theo said, going for the peace in peace officer. "You can just step out of the truck."

    "Fifty bucks in the kettle and he can go," Lena said. "It's for the needy."

    Theo whipped around and looked at her. "You can't plea-bargain in the parking lot of the Thrifty-Mart. I had him on the ropes."

    "Shut up, hippie," Dale said. Then to Lena, "You'll take twenty and the needy can get bent. They can get a job like the rest of us."

    Theo was sure he had handcuffs in the Volvo – or were they still on the bedpost at home? "That is not the way we – "

    "Forty!" Lena shouted.

    "Done!" Dale said. He pulled two twenties from his wallet, wadded them up, and threw them out the window so they bounced off of Theo Crowe's chest. He threw the truck in gear and backed out.

    "Stop right there!" Theo commanded.

    Dale righted the truck and took off. As the big red pickup passed Theo's Volvo station wagon, parked twenty yards up the lot, a bag of ice came flying out the window and exploded against the Volvo's tailgate, showering the parking lot with cubes but otherwise doing no damage whatsoever. "Merry Christmas, you psycho bitch!" Dale shouted out the window as he turned onto the street. "And to all a good night! Hippie!"

    Lena had tucked the wadded bills into