The stupidest angel: a heartwarming tale of Christmas terror

vertebrae clicking like a socket wrench.

    "Get the hell out of my bar," she said. A long, lacquered fingernail pointed the way back out the door. "Go on, get out. What do you think this is, Bangkok?"

    The stranger looked at her finger. "The Nativity is approaching, am I correct?"

    "Yeah, Christmas is Saturday." Mavis growled. "The hell does that have anything to do with anything?"

    "Then I'll need a child before Saturday," said the stranger.

    Mavis reached under the bar and pulled out her miniature baseball bat. Just because he was pretty didn't mean he couldn't be improved by a smack upside the head with a piece of earnest hickory. Men: a wink, a thrill, a damp squish, and before you knew it it was time to start raising lumps and loosening teeth. Mavis was a pragmatic romantic: love – correctly performed, she believed – hurts.

    "Smack 'im, Mavis," cheered one of the daytime regulars.

    "What kind of perv wears an overcoat in seventy-five-degree weather?" said another. "I say brain him."

    Bets were beginning to be exchanged back by the pool table.

    Mavis tugged at an errant chin hair and peered over her glasses at the stranger. "Think you might want to move your little search on down the road some?"

    "What day is it?" asked the stranger.

    "Monday."

    "Then I'll have a diet Coke."

    "What about the kid?" asked Mavis, punctuating the question by smacking the baseball bat against her palm (which hurt like hell, but she wasn't going to flinch, not a chance).

    "I have until Saturday," said the beautiful perv. "For now, just a diet Coke – and a Snickers bar. Please."

    "That's it," Mavis said. "You're a dead man."

    "But, I said please," said Blondie, missing the point, somewhat.

    She didn't even bother to throw open the lift-away through the bar but ducked under it and charged. At that moment a bell rang, and a beam of light blasted into the bar, indicating that someone had come in from outside. When Mavis stood back up, leaning heavily on her back foot as she wound up to knock the stranger's nads well into the next county, he was gone.

    "Problem, Mavis?" asked Theophilus Crowe. The constable was standing right where the stranger had been.

    "Damn, where'd he go?" Mavis looked around behind Theo, then back at the daytime regulars.

    "Where'd he go?"

    "Got me," they said, a chorus of shrugs.

    "Who?" asked Theo.

    "Blond guy in a black trench coat," said Mavis. "You had to pass him on the way in."

    "Trench coat? It's seventy-five degrees out," said Theo. "I'd have noticed someone in a trench coat."

    "He was a perv!" someone shouted from the back.

    Theo looked down at Mavis. "This guy flash you?"

    Their height difference was nearly two feet and Mavis had to back up a step to look him in the eye. "Hell no. I like a man who believes in truth in advertising. This guy was looking for a child."

    "He told you that? He came in here and said he was looking for a kid?"

    "That's it. I was just getting ready to teach him some – "

    "You're sure he hadn't lost his kid? That happens, Christmas shopping, they wander away – "

    "No, he wasn't looking for a particular kid, he was just looking for a kid."

    "Well, maybe he wanted to be a Big Brother or Secret Santa or something," said Theo, expressing a faith in the goodness of man for which he had little to no evidence, "do something nice for Christmas."

    "Goddammit, Theo, you dumbfuck, you don't have to pry a priest off an altar boy with a crowbar to figure out that he's not helping the kid with his Rosary. The guy was a perv."

    "Well, I should probably go look for him."

    "Well, you probably oughta should."

    Theo started to turn to go out the door, then turned back. "I'm not a dumbfuck, Mavis. There's no need for that kind of talk."

    "Sorry, Theo," said Mavis, lowering her baseball bat to show the sincerity of her contrition. "Why was it you came in, then?"

    "Can't remember." Theo raised his eyebrows, daring her.

    Mavis grinned at him. Theo was a good guy – a little flaky but a good guy. "Really?"

    "Nah, I just wanted to check with you on the food for the Christmas party. You were going to barbecue, right?"

    "I was planning on it."

    "Well, I just heard on the radio that there's a pretty good chance of rain, so you might want to have a backup plan."

    "More liquor?"

    "I was thinking something that wouldn't involve cooking outdoors."

    "Like more liquor?"

    Theo shook his head and started toward the door. "Call me or Molly if you need any