The Underside of Joy

shouted. Her face was flushed a vivid pink. Then, quieter, her eyes fixed on the ceiling, she said, ‘You think they all tricked me?’
    ‘Clearly, whether or not the letters were sent is not something we can resolve here today. So I’d like to steer the discussion back to Ella. Ella, what can you tell me about why Annie and Zach should remain in your care?’
    I swallowed, thinking of Annie and Zach standing on stools making meatballs that morning with Marcella, apron strings doubled around their small frames. ‘Because I’m the only mother they’ve known. Because we have a home, and a large, caring family around us. And a loving community, with lots of friends. It’s great they might go to Paige’s for a weekend and have a blast, but the truth is, they’re sad. At my home, they’re allowed to be sad, because I’m sad too. I don’t see their father’s death as some kind of sick opportunity.
    ‘Yes, I’ve had a few bad days. But I’m grieving. I’m not going crazy. We’re nothing alike. Nothing.’
    I looked up at Janice, who was not writing as she had been when Paige talked. She flipped a page back. ‘Can you explain the behaviour Paige described, her concern about drug use?’
    I told her how the doctor prescribed Xanax, that I’d never taken anything like that before and took a few too many one day. ‘But I haven’t taken any since. I threw them away.’ Though God knew I could have used one right that minute.
    ‘Are you sure? Can you verify this with a letter from your doctor? Co-workers?’
    ‘Yes, I’m sure. I’ve never been addicted to anything.’ I explained, too, about the almost-car-accident, and why I’d yelled. ‘These are things Paige has never experienced because she left.’
    Paige uncrossed her legs, squared her shoulders. ‘Fortunately,’ she said, ‘that was not the end of my story. It took a lot of hard work to pull myself up from that, and there was only one source for me to pull from: my love for my children. I am their mother. A mother who made mistakes, but also still thinks I made the right decision to leave when I did . . . Because I loved them then and I love them now. I can now give them a better financially and more emotionally stable environment than she can, and I am their mother. They should be with me.’
    Janice was writing down everything Paige said.
    ‘You’re writing down everything she says, but it’s not true.’ My voice was on the rise. I took a breath, forced myself to speak calmly. ‘Paige is someone new in the kids’ lives. She buys them things. They have no strong emotional bond with her. Zach doesn’t even know her! She’s preying on Annie because Annie is extremely vulnerable. I’m worried what would happen to them if they were moved away from their home right now. Their mother left when they were very, very young. They’ve lost their dad. For good. And now, if they lose me too . . . and their grandparents, uncle, everyone. Annie and Zach will be devastated.’
    She turned to Paige. ‘What, exactly, does a home stager do?’
    ‘Well, I interview –’
    ‘She takes out all the personal memories and treasures that make a house a home and puts in a few pieces of carefully placed trendy furniture to make it look like someone else lives there, possibly even the potential buyer. She fakes it. She fakes home. And she’s good at it.’
    ‘At least I don’t expect the children to live in a tiny, cluttered shack.’
    ‘Ha. A shack. Right. You make it sound like it’s tar papered.’ I looked at Janice and took another deep breath. ‘It’s actually a lovely, 1930s remodelled cottage the kids’ great-grandpa built.’ I went on about Elbow, their relatives, their friends, their pets – anything I could think of, rambling now.
    Janice Conner held the clipboard up in the air, like a stop sign. ‘Okay. Well. I can see that we’re not going to come to any kind of agreement between you today. Now it’s my turn: I want you to both listen to me. I want you, for the sake of those two children who have already been through so much, to stop this bickering. You cannot demean the other person in front of the kids. It will hurt them profoundly.’ She looked at Paige, then at me. ‘This is a tough one. Is there any chance either of you might be willing to move?’
    ‘No,’ we both said in unison. It was the one thing we could agree on.

Chapter Nineteen
    I sat in the Jeep in the courthouse parking lot, talking to Gwen Alterman on my