The Underside of Joy

sighed. ‘Ms. Beene. You’ve evidently been watching too many Law and Order episodes. Had you not thought to discuss this with your counsel? How far away do you live?’
    I told him I lived a half hour away.
    ‘I want you to get those letters to your counsel. I also want you to let her speak on your behalf. That’s what you’re paying her to do.’ He turned his gaze on Gwen and ordered her to get copies to everyone.
    The judge motioned the clerk towards the bench, and they spoke while she leafed through a book. He nodded and she sat back down.
    ‘My clerk just told me,’ he said, ‘that a case that was being tried has been settled, so I have some time on my calendar this afternoon. I’m going to hear any objections there are to receiving those letters into evidence.’ He spoke to Paige’s attorney. ‘I’ll consider a continuance if you want it.’ His gavel made one dull thud and he ordered us all back at two o’clock.
    I sat, still not looking to the side or behind me. Gwen closed her briefcase and said under her breath, ‘So. I’d say that just knocked the slam dunk out of this case.’
    Paige and her attorney had already left, so we walked out of the courtroom. Marcella approached us. ‘What’s the matter, Ella? You think the government knows better, what’s best for Annie and Zach? These people, they rip families apart. You be careful or they may put our babies behind some barbed-wire fence in the middle of nowhere.’
    I wanted to reassure her, to tell her not to worry. To tell her that the judge will still rule in our favour. I wanted to say, I will raise my kids and not have to hide a shameful secret from them, that would somehow wedge itself into their subconscious and create a quiet, persistent havoc in their souls. A secret that might stifle them or blind them so they can only see what they want to see. And I wanted to tell her and the rest of the family all how much I still loved them and needed them, that I didn’t do this to hurt them.
    Instead, I mumbled that I was sorry and let Gwen guide me past them, through the door, and up to the cafeteria, where I called Lucy and asked her if she could run to the house and then bring me the letters.
    ‘Are you sure?’ she said. When I didn’t answer, she told me she’d be at the courthouse within the hour.
    Lucy brought the letters. She hugged me long and hard and said she’d be out in the hallway if I needed her. Gwen set a coffee down in front of me, which I didn’t touch. She left to make copies of the letters and deliver them, then came back and started reading.
    Finally, she looked at me over her reading glasses. ‘Ella, where did you find these?’
    I told her about the kittens, the box springs. I told her about how I had opened the sealed envelopes.
    She shook her head, looking directly in my eyes before I could avert them. A chair scraped the linoleum from somewhere behind me.
    ‘Gwen, tell me I did the right thing.’
    She shook her head. ‘You should have told me so we could have been better prepared. But I’m not sure I could have prepared for this.’
    ‘Annie and Zach shouldn’t grow up thinking their mother never wanted them. I want the truth out. But I still want the kids to be with me. Won’t the judge still see that’s best? I thought judges in California ruled in favour of what’s best for the children.’
    She stirred her coffee, kept stirring, then said, ‘For me, this case goes beyond wanting to win. I agree that those kids should be with you. But you’re their stepmother. Even though you may see it as a technicality, the court doesn’t. The birth mother still has all the rights.’
    ‘But you said –’
    ‘Forget what I said. These letters change things. Right now we have to figure out, do we have any objections to these going in as evidence?’
    ‘Well, no, that’s the point, isn’t it?’
    She explained that we couldn’t pick or choose between the early and later letters. ‘It’s got to be all or nothing. So I say we don’t object because I think the court will let them all in anyway.’
    I nodded. She left to meet with Paige’s attorney. I sat and tilted my head back to keep the tears in place, pulled out my cell phone, and dialled Lizzie’s number. I wanted to hear Annie’s and Zach’s voices, but no one answered.
    Gwen returned and said that Paige’s attorney agreed and had notified the judge that the letters would be admitted, but Paige had also made a settlement offer.
    ‘It’s