The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

Everyone likes him. I’d be annoyed about that, if only he wasn’t so likeable.
    *
    ‘I’d like a couple of eggs,’ said Vimes, ‘with the yolks real hard but the whites so runny that they drip like treacle. And I want bacon, that special bacon all covered with bony nodules and dangling bits of fat. And a slice of fried bread. The kind that makes your arteries go clang just by looking at it.’
    ‘Tough order,’ said Harga.
    ‘You managed it yesterday.’
    *
    Probably no other world in the multiverse has warehouses for things which only exist in potentia, but the pork futures warehouse in Ankh-Morpork is a product of the Patrician’s rules about baseless metaphors, the literal-mindedness of citizens who assume that everythingmust exist somewhere, and the general thinness of the fabric of reality around Ankh, which is so thin that it’s as thin as a very thin thing. The net result is that trading in pork futures - in pork that doesn’t exist yet - led to the building of the warehouse to store it in until it does.
    *
    C. M. O. T. Dibbler had a number of bad points, but species prejudice was not one of them. He liked anyone who had money, regardless of the colour and shape of the hand that was proffering it. For Dibbler believed in a world where a sapient creature could walk tall, breathe free, pursue life, liberty and happiness, and step out towards the bright new dawn. If they could be persuaded to gobble something off Dibbler’s hot-food tray at the same time, this was all to the good.
    *
    Leonard of Quirm was not all that old. He was one of those people who started looking venerable around the age of thirty, and would probably still look about the same at the age of ninety. He wasn’t exactly bald, either. His head had just grown up through his hair, rising like a mighty rock dome through heavy forest.
    *
    ‘This city is full of clever men,’ said the Patrician …’They never think. They do things like open the Three Jolly Luck Take-Away Fish Bar on the site of the old temple in Dagon Street on the night of the winter solstice when it also happens to be a full moon.’
    *
    ‘Captain Vimes?’ said Carrot, waving a hand in front of his eyes. There was no response.
    ‘How much has he had?’
    ‘Two nips of whiskey, that’s all.’
    ‘That shouldn’t do this to him, even on an empty stomach,’ said Carrot.
    Angua pointed at the neck of a bottle protruding from Vimes’s pocket.
    ‘I don’t think he’s been drinking on an empty stomach,’ she said. ‘I think he put some alcohol in it first.’
    *
    ‘Oh, no,’ said Sergeant Colon. ‘He’s had a whole bottle!’
    Angua picked out the bottle and looked at the label.
    ‘C. M. O. T Dibbler’s Genuine Authentic Soggy Mountain Dew,’ she read. ‘He’s going to die! It says, “One hundred and fifty per cent proof”!’
    ‘Nah, that’s just old Dibbler’s advertising,’ said Nobby. ‘It ain’t got no proof. Just circumstantial evidence.’
    *
    ‘He only drinks when he gets depressed,’ said Carrot.
    ‘Why does he get depressed?’
    ‘Sometimes it’s because he hasn’t had a drink.’
    *
    ‘I appear … to be losing a lot of blood,’ said Lord Vetinari.
    ‘Who would have thought you had it in you,’ said Vimes, with the frankness of those probably about to die.

    ‘Captain QuirkeT said Carrot. ‘But he’s … not a good choice.’
    ‘Mayonnaise Quirke, we used to call him,’ said Colon. ‘He’s a pillock.’
    ‘Don’t tell me,’ said Angua. ‘He’s rich, thick and oily, yes?’
    ‘And smells faintly of eggs,’ said Carrot.

    It’s generally very quiet in the Unseen University library. There’s perhaps the shuffling of feet as wizards wander between the shelves, the occasional hacking cough to disturb the academic silence, and every once in a while a dying scream as an unwary student fails to treat an old magical book with the caution it deserves.
    *
    Carrot could lead armies, Angua thought. Some people have inspired whole countries to great deeds because of the power of their vision. And so could he. Not because he dreams about marching hordes, or world domination, or an empire of a thousand years. Just because he thinks that everyone’s really decent underneath and would get along just fine if only they made the effort, and he believes that so strongly it burns like a flame which is bigger than he is. He’s got a dream and we’re all part of it, so that it shapes the world around him. And the weird thing