The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

is that no one wants to disappoint him. It’d be like kicking the biggest puppy in the universe. It’s a kind of magic.
    *
    ‘Captain Vimes always told me, sir, that there’s big crimes and little crimes. Sometimes the little crimes look big and the big crimes you can hardly see, but the crucial thing is to decide which is which.’
    *
    Foul Ole Ron was a Beggars’ Guild member in good standing. He was a Mutterer, and a good one. He would walk behind people muttering in his own private language until they gave him money not to. People thought he was mad, but this was not, technically, the case. It was just that he was in touch with reality on the cosmic level, and had a bit of trouble focusing on things smaller, like other people, walls and soap (although on very small things, such as coins, his eyesight was Grade A).

    ‘You can really talk?’ said Carrot. Gaspode rolled his eyes. ‘ ’Course not,’ he said.

    ‘Who are you?’ said the Patrician.
    ‘Corporal Nobbs, sir!’ said Nobby, saluting.
    ‘Do we employ you?’
    ‘Yessir!’
    ‘Ah. You’re the dwarf, are you?’
    ‘Nosir. That was the late Cuddy, sir! I’m one of the human beings, sir!’
    You’re not employed as the result of any … special hiring procedures?’
    ‘Nosir,’ said Nobby, proudly.
    ‘My word.’
    *
    The Patrician steepled his fingers and looked at Carrot over the top of them. It was a mannerism that had unnerved many.
    † From the point of view of the species as a whole. Not from the point of view of the dragon now landing in small pieces around the landscape.

 
    O THER children got given xylophones. Susan just had to ask her grandfather to take his vest off.
    Yes. There’s a Death in the family.
    It’s hard to grow up normally when Grandfather rides a white horse and wields a scythe - especially when you have to take over the family business, and everyone mistakes you for the Tooth Fairy. And especially when you have to face the new and addictive music that has entered the Discworld.
    It’s lawless. It changes people.
    It’s called Music With Rocks In.
    It’s got a beat and you can dance to it, but…
    It’s alive.
    And it won’t fade away.
    It was raining in the small, mountainous country of Llamedos. It was always raining in Llamedos. Rain was the country’s main export. It had rain mines.

    People came to Ankh-Morpork to seek their fortune.
    Unfortunately, other people sought it too.
    Lord Vetinari had encouraged the growth of the Guilds. They were the big wheels on which the clockwork of a well-regulated city ran. A drop of oil here … a spoke inserted there, of course … and by and large it all worked.
    *
    It looked the kind of musical instrument emporium which doubles as a pawnshop, since every musician has at some time in his life to hand over his instrument if he wants to eat and sleep indoors.
    *
    ‘We haven’t even practised together properly,’ said Imp.
    ‘We’ll practise as we go along,’ said Glod. ‘Welcome to the world of professional musicianship.’
    *
    The raven had grown up in the forever-crumbling, ivy-clad Tower of Art, overlooking Unseen University in far Ankh-Morpork …
    The wizard who thought he owned him called him Quoth.
    *
    There is a type of girl who, while incapable of cleaning her bedroom even at knifepoint, will fight for the privilege of being allowed to spend the day shovelling manure in a stable.
    *
    Quirm wasn’t a night town. People who came to Quirm looking for a good time went somewhere else. Quirm was so respectable that even dogs asked permission before going to the lavatory.
    *
    ‘Ride the horse.’
    ‘Where to?’
    ‘That’s for me not to know and you to find out.’
    *
    CURRY GARDENS
    Curry with Vegetable … … . . 8p
    Curry with Meat … … … . . 10p
    Curry with Named Meat … . . 15p
    *
    Albert was bent over the stove. ‘Morning,’ he said. ‘You want fried bread with your sausages?’
    Susan looked at the mess sizzling in the huge frying pan. It wasn’t asight to be seen on an empty stomach, although it could probably cause one. Albert could make an egg wish it had never been laid.
    *
    The Mended Drum had traditionally gone in for, well, traditional pub games, such as dominoes, darts and Stabbing People In The Back And Taking All Their Money.
    *
    ‘Why’d you want to come here?’ she said.
    ‘This is a battlefield, isn’t it?’ said the raven patiently. ‘You’ve got to have ravens afterwards.’ Its freewheeling eyes swivelled in