This Is Where I Leave You

besides history and some completely useless love.”
    She gets off the bed and onto her knees to kiss the forehead of each sleeping boy. Wendy taught me to curse, matched my clothing, brushed my hair before school, and let me sleep in bed with her when bad dreams woke me up. She fell in love often, and with great fanfare, throwing herself into each romance with the focus of an Olympic athlete. Now she’s a mother and a wife, who tries to get her screaming baby to sleep through the night, tries to stop her boys from learning curse words, and calls romantic love useless. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking to see your siblings as the people they’ve become. Maybe that’s why we all stay away from each other as a matter of course.

    8:55 p.m.
    I come down the basement stairs to find Phillip sitting on my bed, holding my duffel bag full of cash. “This is a lot of money,” he says.
    “Yeah.”
    “Can I have some?”
    “Define ‘some.’ ”
    Phillip thinks about it for a moment. “A grand?”
    “Are you going to gamble it?”
    “No.”
    “Are you going to buy drugs?”
    “Jesus, Judd.” He tosses the bag onto the floor and heads for the stairs. “Forget I asked.”
    “Phillip.”
    He turns around. “I have nothing, Judd. No home, no job, nothing. I’ve been waiting tables and sponging off Tracy for the last year. I’m just looking for a fresh start here. The plan was to work with Paul, but he’s being a real dick about it.”
    “Well, maybe you have to work for him for a while, before you work with him.”
    He thinks about it for a moment and then hoists himself up to sit on the Ping-Pong table. “I could probably be persuaded to do that.”
    “I’ll talk to Paul,” I say.
    “Yeah, because you guys are tight like that.”
    “People can change.”
    Phillip laughs and sits back down on the bed. “It’s been nice here, this last week, being brothers again.”
    “We never stopped being brothers.”
    “It felt like we did.”
    “Yeah. I guess it did.”
    “Well, I’ll have to stay more local to see my new nephew, huh?”
    “Niece. It’s a girl.”
    Phillip smiles. “A baby girl. That’s nice.”
    “Yeah.”
    “I’m making a concerted effort to be considerably less fucked-up.”
    “I know.”
    He pulls himself off the Ping-Pong table and heads for the stairs.
    “Well, I’ll let you get some sleep.”
    “Phillip.”
    “Yeah.”
    “Take a grand.” Sixteen grand in a shopping bag feels like much more than sixteen grand in the bank.
    “Thanks, man.” He starts up the stairs.
    “I’m serious. Come take it.”
    Phillip grins and pats the back pocket of his jeans, which I now see has a slight rectangular bulge. “ Way ahead of you, big brother.”

Chapter 49
    9:25 p.m.
    Penny opens the door brushing her teeth, dressed in leggings and a tank top.
    “Hey,” I say.
    “Hey.”
    “I hope it’s not too late.”
    “Too late for what?”
    “Right. Good question. Well, for an apology, first of all.”
    Penny looks at me like she’s peering through fog. I catch a glimpse of her lonely, cluttered apartment behind her. It feels like my fault.
    “It’s not too late,” she says.
    “I’m glad.”
    “Was that it?”
    “What do you mean?”
    “Was that your apology? I wasn’t sure. Sometimes people say ‘I want to apologize,’ and then that’s supposed to be their apology, when in fact, by saying they want to apologize, they manage to avoid the actual apology.”
    “Oh.”
    She shrugs. “I’ve been apologized to a lot.”
    “Penny.”
    “Is there something you want to say to me, Judd? Then just say it. You’ll never have a less threatening audience.”
    “I didn’t really think it out,” I say. “I just came.”
    “Well, there’s no danger of sounding too rehearsed then.”
    There’s a small chunk of white toothpaste lodged in the corner of her mouth. I consider reaching forward to rub it off and decide against it.
    “I’m really very sorry for leaving you at Wonderland.”
    She shakes her head. “That’s not what you’re sorry for.”
    “It’s not?”
    “You’re sorry for not telling me that Jen was pregnant. That you were horrifically conflicted about it, that you’re still in love with her, and that you were probably the worst possible guy for me to climb into bed with.”
    “Yes. I’m very sorry about that. Ashamed, really. It took me ten minutes to work up the nerve to ring your buzzer.”
    “I know. I was watching from the window.”
    “I really am