Three to See the King

case.’
    ‘OK then.’
    He busied himself around the table and finished laying it in seconds. Then I served up breakfast and the three of us began to eat.
    ‘You never can tell,’ I remarked, nodding towards the empty place. ‘Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn’t.’
    As I finished the sentence I noticed that my two guests’ eyes had suddenly swivelled towards the stairs, and next thing Mary Petrie had come down.
    ‘Aha,’ I said. ‘Here’s a nice surprise.’
    Without saying a word she passed behind my seat and slapped me hard on the back of the head. Then, in the stunned silence that followed, she poured herself a coffee and went back upstairs.
    ‘Friend of yours?’ asked Steve, keeping his voice low.
    ‘Yes,’ I replied, equally quietly. ‘She’s been here a few months now.’
    That’s what we heard.’
    ‘From Simon Painter?’
    ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Does she do that often?’
    ‘No,’ I said. ‘First time.’
    ‘Well, I wouldn’t stand for it.’
    ‘Wouldn’t you?’
    ‘No, I certainly would not.’
    ‘Nor me,’ said Philip.
    I looked at these two men sitting at my table: these two men who’d each spent the last few years living alone in a house of tin, and I realized that they knew even less about women than I did.
    ‘Tell you what,’ I said. ‘Help yourselves to more coffee, and I’ll go up and sort this out.’
    ‘Alright,’ answered Steve. ‘But take care.’
    When I got upstairs Mary Petrie was sitting on the bed leafing through one of her books. She kept these in her trunk because I hadn’t got round to putting up a shelf yet.
    ‘It’s Steve Treacle and Philip Sibling,’ I said.
    ‘So I gather,’ she replied, without looking up.
    ‘Don’t you want to meet them?’
    ‘Why should I?’
    ‘Cos they’ve come especially to see you.’
    ‘I don’t care!’ she snapped. ‘I’m not here for display purposes you know!’
    ‘Shush!’ I whispered. ‘They’ll hear you.’
    ‘Don’t shush me! They shouldn’t have banged on the wall with that hammer.’
    ‘No, that wasn’t them.’
    ‘What!?’
    Just then the door was heard to open, and two pairs of feet trooped outside before it closed again.
    ‘It was me who banged on the wall,’ I explained. ‘I was teaching Steve a lesson for waking us up.’
    ‘Well, you’re as stupid as he is then.’
    Her tone had softened slightly.
    ‘Are you going to come down and see them?’ I tried.
    ‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m not in the mood.’
    ‘They’ll be ever so disappointed.’
    ‘Tell them to come back another time, and knock on the door properly.’
    ‘OK.’
    I dashed downstairs to intercept them, thinking they might have taken offence and left. When I got outside, however, Steve was busy shovelling sand while Philip stood watching.
    ‘Sorry about that,’ I said. ‘It’s sorted out now.’
    ‘Hmm hmm,’ murmured Philip.
    ‘She says you’re welcome to come and see us, but it’s a bit inconvenient today, if you don’t mind.’
    ‘No, no,’ said Steve. That’s fine. I’ll just finish clearing this sand, then we’ll be getting off.’
    ‘Well, I can do the sand myself,’ I said. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
    ‘It’s no problem,’ he replied. ‘Just you relax, and I’ll have it done in no time.’
    The pair of them returned a week later, and this time they came bearing gifts. Arriving at a civilized hour in the middle of the morning, they knocked gently on the door and waited to be invited in.
    The gifts, they seemed to think, were the reason Mary Petrie gave them a friendly welcome, enquired about their health, and asked them to take a seat at the table. Little did they know that I’d spent the intervening days convincing her that they were two of the finest fellows I had ever known, and that therefore she shouldn’t treat them too harshly. They had no idea of the continual praise I’d heaped upon them, and the way I’d kept her entertained with hilarious stories of their various exploits. Gradually she had warmed to them, by proxy, and when I’d reminded her that they both wore identical coats she’d said she thought they sounded ‘quite sweet’. As a matter of fact, she finally conceded, she was rather looking forward to seeing them again. The gifts, if they’d known the truth, were merely icing on a cake I’d already made.
    To my dismay we received a clock from Philip, while Steve presented us with a weathercock. This was similar to the one on top of his own house, and