Thud!

citizen wants to help the Watch. I’ll go and see what he’s got to—”
    His eye caught the front page of the Times , spread out on the desk. Oh hell, he thought wearily. There we are, at a time like this, with a troll officer holding a dwarf with his feet off the ground.
    “It’s a good picture of Detritus, sir,” said Sergeant Littlebottom nervously.
    “ ‘The Long Arm of The Law,’ ” Vimes read aloud. “Is that supposed to be funny?”
    “Probably it is to people who write headlines,” said Cheery.
    “Hamcrusher Murdered,” Vimes read. “Watch Investigating.”
    “Where do they get this?” he said aloud. “Who tells them? Pretty soon I’ll have to read the Times to find out what I’m doing today!” He flung the paper back on the desk. “Anything important I need to know about right now?”
    “Sergeant Colon says there’s been a robbery at the Royal—” Cheery began, but Vimes waved that away.
    “More important than robberies, I mean,” he said.
    “Er…Another two officers have quit since I sent you that note, sir,” said Cheery. “Corporal Ringfounder and Constable Schist at Chittling Street. Both say it’s for, er, personal reasons, sir.”
    “Schist was a good officer,” Detritus rumbled, shaking his head.
    “Sounds like he decided to be a good troll instead,” said Vimes. He was aware of a stirring behind him. He still had an audience. Oh well, time for the speech.
    “I know it’s hard for dwarf and troll officers right now,” he said to the room at large. “I know that giving one of your own kind a tap with your truncheon because he’s trying to kick you in the fork might feel like you’re siding with the enemy. It’s no fun for humans, either, but it’s worse for you. The badge seems a bit heavy now, right? You see your people looking at you and wondering whose side you’re on, yes? Well, you’re on the side of the people, which is where the law ought to be. All the people, I mean, who’re out there beyond the mob, who’re fearful and puzzled and scared to go out at night. Now, funnily enough, the idiots who’re out there right in front of you getting their self-defense in first are also the people, but since they don’t seem to remember that, well, you’re doing them a favor by cooling them off a bit. Hold on to that, and hold together. You think that you should stay home to make sure your ol’ mum is okay? What good would you be against a mob? Together, we can stop things going that far. This’ll go its course. I know we’re all being run ragged, but right now I need everyone I can get, and in return there will be jam tomorrow and free beer, too. Maybe I’ll even be a little blind when I’m signing the overtime dockets, who knows. Got it? But I want you all, whatever, whoever you are, to know this: I’ve got no patience with idiots who’ll drag a grudge across five hundred miles and a thousand years. This is Ankh-Morpork. It’s not Koom Valley. You know it’s going to be a bad night tonight. Well, I’ll be on duty. If you are, too, then I’ll want to know that I can depend on you to watch my back as I’ll watch yours. If I can’t depend on you, I don’t want to see you near me. Any questions?”
    There was an embarrassed silence, as there always is on such occasions. Then a hand went up. It belonged to a dwarf.
    “Is it true a troll killed the grag?” he asked. There was a murmuring from the watchmen, and he went on, a little less timorously, “Well, he did ask.”
    “Captain Carrot is investigating,” said Vimes. “At the moment, we are still in the dark. But if indeed there has been a murder, then I will see that the murderer is brought to justice, no matter what size they are, what shape they are, who they are, or where they may be. You have my guarantee on that. My personal guarantee. Is that acceptable?”
    The general change in the atmosphere indicated that it was so.
    “Good,” he said. “Now go out there and be coppers. Go on!”
    The room emptied of all except those still laboring over the knotty problem of where they should put the comma.
    “Er…permission t’speak freely, sir?” said Detritus, knuckling closer.
    Vimes stared at him. When I first met you, you were chained to a wall like a watchdog and didn’t speak much beyond a grunt, he thought. Truly, the leopard can change his shorts.
    “Yes, of course,” he said.
    “You ain’t serious, are you? You’re not going runnin’ after a coprolite like