Thud!

city’s departments got inspected from time to time, Vetinari had said. There was no reason why the Watch should be passed over, was there? It was, after all, a major drain on the city coffers.
    Vimes had pointed out that a drain was where things went to waste .
    Nevertheless, Vetinari had said. Just “nevertheless.” You couldn’t argue with “nevertheless.”
    And the outcome was Mr. Pessimal, walking toward Vimes.
    He twinkled as he walked. Vimes couldn’t think of another way to describe it. Every move was…well, neat.
    Shovel purse and spectacles on a ribbon, I’ll bet, he thought.
    Mr. Pessimal folded himself onto the chair in front of Vimes’s desk and opened the clasps of his briefcase with two little snaps of doom. With some ceremony, he donned a pair of spectacles. They were on a black ribbon.
    “My letter of accreditation from Lord Vetinari, Your Grace,” he said, handing over a sheet of paper.
    “Thank you, Mr…. A. E. Pessimal,” said Vimes, glancing at it and putting it on one side. “And how can we help you? It’s Commander Vimes when I’m at work, by the way.”
    “I will need an office, Your Grace. And an oversight of all your paperwork. As you know, I am tasked to give his lordship a complete overview and cost/benefit analysis of the Watch, with any suggestions for improvement in every aspect of its activities. Your cooperation is appreciated but not essential.”
    “Suggestions for improvement, eh?” said Vimes cheerfully, while behind A. E. Pessimal’s chair Sergeant Littlebottom shut her eyes in dread. “Jolly good. I’ve always been known for my cooperative attitude. I did mention about the duke thing, did I?”
    “Yes, Your Grace,” said A. E. Pessimal primly. “Nevertheless, you are the duke of Ankh-Morpork and it would be inappropriate to address you in any other way. I would feel disrespectful.”
    “I see. And how should I address you , Mr. Pessimal?” said Vimes. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a floorboard on the other side of the room lift almost imperceptibly.
    “A. E. Pessimal will be quite acceptable, Your Grace,” said the inspector.
    “The A standing for—?” Vimes said, taking his eyes off the board for a moment.
    “Just A , Your Grace,” said A. E. Pessimal patiently. “A. E. Pessimal.”
    “You mean you weren’t named, you were initialed ?”
    “Just so, Your Grace,” said the little man calmly.
    “What do your friends call you?” A. E. Pessimal looked as though there was one major assumption in that sentence that he did not understand, so Vimes took a small amount of pity on him.
    “Well, Sergeant Littlebottom here will look after you,” he said with fake joviality.
    “Find Mr. A. E. Pessimal an office somewhere, Sergeant, and let him see any paperwork he requires.” As much as possible, Vimes thought. Bury him in the stuff, if it keeps him away from me.
    “Thank you, Your Grace,” said A. E. Pessimal. “I shall need to interview some officers, too.”
    “Why?” said Vimes.
    “To ensure that my report is comprehensive, Your Grace,” said Mr. A. E. Pessimal calmly.
    “I can tell you anything you need to know,” said Vimes.
    “Yes, Your Grace, but that is not how an inquiry works. I must act completely independently. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Your Grace.”
    “I know that one,” said Vimes. “Who watches the watchmen? Me, Mr. Pessimal.”
    “Ah, but who watches you, Your Grace?” said the inspector with a brief little smile.
    “I do that, too. All the time,” said Vimes. “Believe me.”
    “Quite so, Your Grace. Nevertheless, I must represent the public interest here. I shall try not to be obtrusive.”
    “Very good of you, Mr. Pessimal,” said Vimes, giving up. He hadn’t realized he’d been upsetting Vetinari so much lately. This felt like one of his games. “All right. Enjoy your hopefully brief stay with us. Do excuse me, this is a busy morning, what with the damn Koom Valley thing and everything. Come in, Fred!”
    That was a trick he’d learned from Vetinari. It was hard for a visitor to hang on when their replacement was in the room. Besides, Fred sweated a lot in this hot weather; he was a champion sweater. And in all these years he’d never worked out that when you stood outside the office door, the long floorboard seesawed slightly on the joist and rose just where Vimes could notice it.
    The piece of floorboard settled again, and the door opened.
    “Don’t know how you do it, Mr. Vimes!”