Touched by an Alien

him were five other monsters, all bigger than he was. It was clear he was herding them. The only aspects these things had in common were they were all awful to look at and their eyes were that horrible glowing red so popular with the superbeing set.
    One had huge ears that draped down the side of its head and touched the ground. It was green and scaly and looked like a really bad cross between a dinosaur and a caveman. It had clawed hands and carried what looked like small trees in each one.
    “Is that Earwig?” I pointed at this thing.
    “Yes.” Martini’s voice was an angry growl.
    “Then he killed Lissa under Mephistopheles’ orders.” Which made sense and confirmed my theory. How I hoped we’d live long enough for me to explain it to someone back at the Science Center.
    “How do you know about that?”
    “I have my sources.” The next monster to capture my attention looked like that blind men with the elephant parable—as if someone who couldn’t see and had never seen an animal had tried to create one. It lumbered on huge feet, six of them, and it was the reason the ground was shaking. Its body was pinkish purple and grotesquely rotund while its head was like an elephant’s but with no trunk or tusks. Instead, it had fangs, and yet, somehow, a humanish face. “What’s that one called?”
    “The Pachyderm.”
    “Fitting. Sort of.” I was trying not to be scared and failing utterly, no matter how many times I tried singing “Pink Elephants on Parade” to myself.
    “You want to go be near Christopher?”
    I spun around and looked up at him. “Stop it. You want to be mad at me? That’s fine. Please give it a rest right now. I had a great plan. It’s worked well. Mephistopheles is here, thanks for getting really angry. But I didn’t know these others were going to show up, and I’ve got no guess as to what to do. Plus, before you go all righteous wrath on me, let’s just discuss all those ‘marry me’s’ you’ve been passing the last two days when you’re actually forbidden to marry me. You’re not exactly Mr. Clean here.”
    I spun back around to examine another superbeing and tried to stop caring about whether or not Martini was going to be nice to me, let alone kiss me, ever again. The giant black snake that moved out from behind the Pachyderm was certainly a good distraction. I was afraid of snakes, but this one was so big fear didn’t begin to cover my reaction. And seeing a caricature of a human face shoved into the snake head was promising to give me nightmares for the rest of my life. If I got to have a rest.
    “And that snake thing is?”
    “The Serpent.” He didn’t say “duh,” but I could feel him thinking it.
    Our next contestant was almost normal, at least by comparison. It looked like a giant stick bug, with extra sticks. “What does that thing do?”
    “It shoots poison from the end of every limb. We call it the Killer. Because no one’s ever survived getting hit by it.”
    “Can we go home now?”
    “I wish.”
    Last but not least was something that truly looked like a giant slug. “That called the Slug?”
    “Yep.”
    A thought occurred. I was amazed I was able to form any. “You ever tried salting that thing?”
    “What?”
    I dug into my purse and managed to find the walkie-talkie. I hoped I was using it right. “Mr. White, please.”
    “Yes, Miss Katt?”
    “I’d like a ton of salt, and I do mean a ton, to be airlifted to wherever the hell it is we actually are. Pronto would be the best. Please tell the human pilots that they’ll be getting rid of a giant slug, only. I don’t think they can help with the others.” You only had to tell me twice that the existing in-control superbeings could withstand artillery.
    Silence.
    “Are you nuts?” Martini asked.
    “Probably.”
    The walkie crackled. “Does the salt have to be dry or can it be, say, ocean water?”
    I thought about it. “Ask my father. Tell him we need to get rid of a huge slug infestation.”
    More silence.
    “You know, I meant it,” Martini said.
    “What? That I’m nuts?”
    “That I wanted to marry you.” Past tense. Why did that make my chest constrict? I’d known him about two days.
    “Great. I want to have someone shower me with millions of dollars without any downside attached. I don’t go around mentioning that to everyone I come across.”
    The walkie crackled again. “Mr. Katt says, in the case of this slug, ocean water will probably be fine, however,