TOYL

lower lip.
    ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Emma, recognising her brother’s body language as a sign that something was wrong.
    ‘I’m sorry, Em.’ His eyes filled up with tears. ‘I’m going away.’
    ‘Away?’
    He nodded. ‘I have to. I’m afraid if I stay around here, I might do something really stupid.’
    ‘I don’t understand.’
    ‘I’ve not been straight with you, Em. I haven’t even been straight with myself until recently. I’ve got problems, big problems.’
    ‘Problems?’
    ‘I’ve been feeling really depressed,’ he revealed. ‘And I started drinking. The doctor gave me some tablets for the depression, but it’s not stopped the drinking.’
    ‘What? For how long?’
    ‘A few months now. Em – I’m sorry, but I’ve decided that I need to get away. I’ve been in touch with Stefan and he said I can go over to be with him for a while.’
    ‘To Canada?’
    Will nodded.
    ‘I can’t believe I didn’t notice that things were that bad, Will,’ Emma said.
    ‘I hid it well,’ he replied. ‘Don’t blame yourself.’

    ***

    Will watched from the window as Emma crossed the road below, and sipped at the glass of whiskey, letting the waves of self-loathing wash over him. He had taken a coward’s way out, and he knew it. But this was about self-preservation. At least if he could get away and get his head together, then there was a chance that when he returned everything could get back to normal.
    Maybe then he could start making up for all those lies.
    Still, he felt enormous guilt and shame. He was leaving Emma when she needed him the most. But at least now he was convinced that his earlier suspicions had been wrong, and that Emma’s life was not in danger from that man, or the dark secret that he himself had held for all these years.

27

    Emma called them all herself: the church, the florist, the car hire firm, the photographer – the list went on. She felt oddly distanced from the whole thing, as if she was just a secretary cancelling her boss’s meetings.
    And it was that easy. Two years of planning was undone in less than thirty minutes.
    She finished the last call, and then placed the contact list into the wedding box and closed the lid. It felt symbolic: that the part of her life she had shared with Dan had ended. She felt like throwing the box out of the window, and imagined all those magazine cuttings and lists floating down onto the traffic below like confetti.
    How had she got it so wrong, again? With Stuart, and now Dan. Both men with whom she had thought she would spend the rest of her life. But both had bailed out on the final approach, without warning.
    What was she doing wrong?
    And now her relationship with the other two men in her life had also received a jolt. Will was running off to another continent, depressed and on the verge of alcoholism. And her dad was fathering a child with a woman barely older than his daughter.
    Lizzy was right: men did act weird.
    Instead of throwing the wedding box out of the window she took it into the bedroom and slid it under the bed. After leaving Will’s flat she had decided that she would face her fears head-on and return to her apartment. She had to go back there alone eventually, so it might as well be today. Then she just lay down on the covers, staring at the ceiling. She forced herself to get up from the bed and looked around, remembering the missing photographs of her and Dan. If he had wanted to end it, why the hell had he taken those photos? It didn’t really make sense.
    She changed into her training outfit of comfortable jogging bottoms and a vest top, before retrieving the kick-bag and boxing gloves from the storage cupboard. It had been some time since she had used it, but she soon got back into the swing of things, punching and kicking the bag so hard that occasionally it flew back into the wardrobe behind. Then she went for a run, easing her way down Marylebone High Street before picking up the pace towards Euston Road. Dodging and weaving through the smiling tourists and serious-faced business people, she crossed the main road and entered Regent’s Park. After a week’s absence of serious training, the run was taking its toll on her body, but it felt good. She ran all the way to Primrose Hill, stopping at the top to admire the view across the London skyline.
    She wondered where Dan was among that urban mass, and what he was doing. Had he already found someone else? Was he sitting in a coffee house