Unseen Academicals

standing by this rule. We have tried it out. It allows for free movement on the field. In the old game it wasn’t unusual for players to bring their lunch and a copy of Girls, Giggles and Garters and just wait for the ball to come along.’
    ‘Hello, Trev, how are you getting on?’ It was Andy, and he was standing behind Trev.
    There must be a thousand people here today, Trev thought in a curiously slow and blissful sort of way. And a lot of watchmen. I can see a couple of them from here. Andy isn’t going to try anything right here, is he?
    Well, yes, he might, because that’s what made him Andy. The little bee that buzzed in his brain might bang against the wrong bit and he would carve your face off. Oh, yes, and there was Tosher Atkinson and his mum, strolling about as if out for a walk.
    ‘Haven’t seen you about much lately, Trev,’ said Andy. ‘Been busy, I suspect?’
    ‘I thought you were lyin’ low?’ said Trev hopelessly.
    ‘Well, you know what they say. Sooner or later all sins are forgiven.’
    In your case, quite a bit later, Trev thought.
    ‘Besides,’ said Andy, ‘I’m turning over a new leaf, ain’t I?’
    ‘Oh, yeah?’
    ‘Got out of the Shove,’ said Andy. ‘Gotta put aside my scallywag ways. Time to fit in.’
    ‘Glad to hear it,’ said Trev, waiting for the knife.
    ‘So I’m a key player for Ankh-Morpork United.’ It wasn’t a knife, but it had a rather similar effect. ‘Apparently his lordship gave them the idea,’ Andy said, still speaking in the same greasy, friendly tone. ‘Of course, no one wants to be the team playing you wizards. So there is, like, a new one just for the occasion.’
    ‘I thought you never played?’ said Trev weakly.
    ‘Ah, but that was in the bad old days before football was open to more individual effort and enterprise. See this shirt?’ he said.
    Trev looked down. He hadn’t thought much about what the man was wearing, just that he was there.
    ‘White with blue trim,’ said Andy cheerfully. ‘Very snazzy.’ He turned around. The numeral 1 was on the back in blue with the name Andy Shank above it. ‘My idea. Very sensible. Means we’ll know who we are from the back.’
    ‘And I told your wizards that your gentlemen ought to do the same,’ said Mrs Atkinson, surely one of the most feared Faces who had ever wielded a sharpened umbrella with malice aforethought. Grown men would back away from Mrs Atkinson, otherwise grown men bled.
    Just what we need, thought Trev. Our names on the back as well. Saves them having the trouble to go round the front before they stab.
    ‘Still, I can’t stand here chattin’ all day with you. Got to talk to the team. Got to think about tactics.’
    There will be a referee, thought Trev. The Watch will be there. Lord Vetinari will be there. Unfortunately, Andy Shank will be there, too, and Nutt wants me as his assistant and so I’ve got to be there. If it all goes wrong, the floor of the arena isn’t going to be the place to be and I’ll be in it.
    ‘And if you’re wondering where that dim little girl of yours is, she’s back there with the fat girl. Honestly, what must you think of me?’
    ‘Nothing, right up until you said that,’ said Trev. ‘And now I do.’
    ‘Give my best to the orc,’ said Andy. ‘Shame to hear he’s the last one.’
    They strolled on, but Trev was quick enough to get out of the way before Mrs Atkinson sliced at his leg with her stick.
    Find Juliet. Find Nutt. Find Glenda. Find help. Find a ticket to Fourecks.
    Trev had never fought. Never really fought. Oh, there had been times when he was younger when he was drawn into a bit of a ruck and it was politic to be among the other kids, holding a makeshift weapon in his hands. He’d been so good at appearing to be everywhere, shouting a lot and then running into the thick of the fray, but never actually catching up with the real action. He could go to the Watch and tell them…that Andy had been threatening? Andy was always threatening. When trouble struck in the Shove as it sometimes did, when two tribes were brought into conjunction, there was always the forest of legs to dive between and once, when Trev had been really desperate, a number of shoulders to run across…What was he thinking? He wouldn’t be there. He wasn’t going to play. He’d promised his old mum. Everyone knew he’d promised his old mum. He’d like to play, but his old mum wouldn’t like it. It was as if his old mum had written him a note: