Unseen Academicals

brought him the news.
    ‘It was a very generous gesture.’
    ‘Why did you do it?’ said Ponder to Ridcully.
    ‘I am totally transparent, Stibbons. Generous to a fault, that’s me. It’s not my fault that they do not know they are inferior and this will play on their minds for the rest of the game.’
    ‘That’s rather…cunning, sir.’
    ‘Yes, it is, isn’t it? I’m rather proud of it. And once again, we get to kick first. No wonder this is such a popular game.’
    ‘That was a remarkable piece of psychology there,’ said Nutt to Trev as they walked back to the sidelines. ‘Somewhat cruel, possibly, but clever.’
    Trev said nothing. There was the shrill call of the whistle for the game to resume, followed instantly by the referee screaming, ‘A LITTLE BIT OF HAIL WON’T HURT YOU, BOY, IT’S HEALTHY AND WILL DO YOU GOOD.’
    ‘That’s magic,’ said Trev. ‘Should that be happening?’
    ‘No,’ said Ponder Stibbons behind him. ‘It’s just possession.’
    ‘Yes, the game is all about possession, Mister Trev,’ said Nutt.
    Trev looked up again at the stand. There was the shining shape of Juliet, only a few feet away from Vetinari himself and flanked by Glenda and Pepe. She could be a goddess. It’s never going to happen, is it? he said to himself. Not her and a boy from the candle vats.
    Not really going to happen. Not now.
    And then Bengo screamed and it seemed as though every voice in the stadium joined in one communal ‘OOOOOH!’
    And the whistle blew again.
    ‘What happened, sir?’ said the editorial assistant.
    ‘Can’t exactly be sure. They got the ball to Macarona again and then he collided with a couple of United players and they all ended up in a heap.’

    Nutt, the first to reach the stricken Macarona, looked up at Trev gravely. ‘Both patellas dislocated,’ he said. ‘We’ll need a couple of men to take him down to the Lady Sybil.’
    The former Dean looked around at the clustered footballers. ‘So, what happened here, Mister Shank?’ he said as perspiration dripped off his chin.
    Andy momentarily lifted a finger to his forelock.
    ‘Well, sir, I was rushing forward according to the rules to tackle Mister Macarona and I had no idea at all that Jimmy the Spoon, here, had got exactly the same idea and was coming from a different direction and suddenly we were all there together going arse over tip, if you would excuse my Klatchian.’
    Trev glowered.
    The look on Andy’s face was transparent. He was lying. He knew he was lying. He knew everyone else knew he was lying and he didn’t care. In fact, he rather enjoyed the situation. Andy’s boots looked heavy enough to moor a boat.
    ‘They got ’im like the meat in a sandwich, sir,’ Trev complained to the referee.
    ‘Can you substantiate that, young man?’
    ‘Well, you can see what’s happened to the poor bugger.’
    ‘Yes, but do you have any evidence of collusion?’
    Trev went blank and Nutt supplied in a whisper, ‘Can you prove it was a set-up?’
    ‘Can anyone?’ said the referee, looking around the players. No one could. Trev wondered how many might, were it not for the fact that Andy was standing there, innocent as a shark. ‘I am the referee, gentlemen, and I can only referee what I see and I saw nothing.’
    ‘Yes, because they made sure of that,’ said Trev. ‘Anyway, listen to the crowd. They all saw it!’
    ‘Look! They’ve got boots on them that could strip bark,’ Ridcully protested.
    ‘Yes, indeed, Mustrum, I mean, sorry, captain, but as yet there are no rules about which boots should be worn and at the very least these are the boots that have been traditionally worn for the game of foot-the-ball.’
    ‘But they are man traps!’
    ‘I can certainly see what you are getting at, but what would you like me to do?’ said Henry. ‘I have a suspicion that if I cancel this match at this point you and I would not get out of here alive, because even if we ourselves did escape the wrath of the crowd, we would by no means escape the wrath of Vetinari. The game will continue. Unseen Academicals can play a substitute and I will, let me see—’ He pulled out a notebook. ‘Ah, yes, I will award a free kick at the very point where this unfortunate incident took place. And may I add that I will look askance at any future “incidents”. Mister Hoggett, I trust that you will make this clear to your team.’
    ‘Blow that for a game of soldiers!’ Trev yelled. ‘They just took out our best