Watch Me Disappear

for teachers to do but show movies? School is just a social scene.
    My big chat with my dad really got me thinking. I know it’s past time to mend things with Missy and Paul. I have been behaving like an immature brat, and I just hope they are more mature than I am and accept my apology. I find Missy at her locker Monday morning.
    “Hey,” I say, approaching her. She looks, as always, amazing. When she turns to look at me, her mouth opens in surprise, and I see she got her braces off. She really could be a model. She doesn’t say anything.
    “Listen,” I say.
    “Why should I?” she asks.
    I hadn’t expected that reaction. In fact, I expected her to be as sweet as ever. “I don’t know,” I say, losing my nerve. “I haven’t given you much reason.”
    “No, you haven’t.”
    “Well, I just came to say I’m sorry.”
    She stands there expectantly.
    “You know, I mean, about everything. I don’t blame you if you hate me, but I wanted you to know I’m sorry.”
    “Things can’t just suddenly be like they were,” she says.
    “Yeah, I know.”
    “You really hurt me,” she says.          
    One of the girls from the track team comes up beside her. “Hey, Missy, are you coming tonight?” she asks, and then she looks at me and back at Missy.
    “Uh, yeah,” Missy says, giving the girl a look that says “not now.” Missy turns back to me. “I’m just not sure I see the point in trying to be friends.” Her chin quivers and I realize she’s holding back tears.
    “Missy—”
    “We’re all starting college in a few months, and we’ll make new friends, and I just don’t think it makes sense to get all attached to people when you just leave them anyway.” She blinks hard.
    That whole statement seems to be about something a lot bigger than the issue of our friendship. Missy doesn’t say anything else, so I say, “Well, if you ever want to call me,” and then I walk away.
    If Missy isn’t willing to forgive me, then Paul is a lost cause, but I force myself to try anyway. I find him during study hall. I know he, like me, traded art for a free period, and I know he hangs out in the cafeteria. He isn’t as expressive as Missy, but the sentiment seems to be the same: Why should he bother befriending me again?
    “You want to know the truth?” I ask.
    He shrugs.
    “I know I’ve been a terrible friend to you, and I was all along. All those times you came over, and after a while I realized I knew nothing at all about you except that you’re cute and you smell good and that you aren’t great at math. I’m so bad at being a friend, I didn’t even know how to ask you about yourself. And yet you were nice to me, and I was really able to be myself with you. The only other person I can be myself with like that—or at least I used to be able to—is my brother. I had no idea how lucky I was, and I’m sorry.”
    “Don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?” he asks, looking somewhat amused.
    “Yeah, something like that.”
    “It’s just, we’re all heading off to college, you know,” he says, just as Missy had.
    “We can still be friends even at different schools,” I say. “We can keep in touch.”
    “Will we?” he asks.
    “Will you keep in touch with your guy friends?”
    “Some of them.”
    “But not me,” I say.
    He gives a sad smile. “You’ll have other friends,” he says.
    I wait to see if he’ll say more but he doesn’t.
    “See ya around,” he says.
    It’s my turn to fight back tears.
     
    *          *          *
     
    On the Friday night before graduation, a lot of kids drive up to John’s for a party. He invited me personally, his eyes still slightly black-and-blue from the punch that had broken his nose. I have to admit, the chivalrous way he stood up for Maura impressed me and made John a much more intriguing possibility. I promise him I’ll make an appearance, but I also promise my parents I’ll be home early. Jeff is flying in late that night and they want me home before they have to leave to get him.
    I drive up by myself, but as I pull up the driveway, I see a few cars I recognize—Jessica’s, Katherine’s, Paul’s. My stomach flutters as I walk up the slope. I have never walked into a party like this alone before.
    “No naked friends tonight?” some guy asks as I come up to the fire where everyone is congregated. A few people snicker.
    Actually I haven’t seen Maura since I left her house during the disastrous