Willpower

covered in toys, he’d take a hockey stick and sweep them all into the closet. The mother, Cyndi, a former flight attendant accustomed to badly behaved adults, was overwhelmed by the triplets and had given up trying to get them to clean up their toys or get dressed. When Nanny Deb told them to put on their own socks—hardly an impossible feat for toddlers approaching kindergarten—one of them, Lauren, refused and ran into the kitchen to bring the socks to her mother. Sobbing hysterically, she begged over and over for help while desperately clutching her mother.
    “This is very heartbreaking,” Mrs. Paul said. “She’ll do this for half an hour. It will be very frustrating here for a while. When she has her meltdown, she just asks the same question over and over. That’s when I just zone out and I can no longer focus and I’m ready to just scream at everybody and just send them straight to bed.”
    This time, as usual, the child won. Mrs. Paul put on the socks for her, much to the exasperation of Carroll. “For four and a half years, she’s gotten upset and you’ve let her get away with it,” Carroll said to Mrs. Paul. “What’s going to happen to her in second grade when she’s not doing her math because she doesn’t want to?”
    Watching scenes like this, it’s hard to believe that parents traditionally considered it their duty to beat their children. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” really was standard advice, and spoiling the child was considered to be the essence of failed parenting. The Puritan Cotton Mather put it even more starkly: “Better whipt, than damned.” We’re not advocating a return to spanking, much less whipping, but we do think parents need to rediscover their roles as disciplinarians. That doesn’t mean being abusive or getting angry or imposing Draconian penalties. But it does mean taking the time to watch your child’s behavior and impose appropriate rewards or punishments.
    Whether you’re giving a time-out to a toddler or revoking a teenager’s driving privileges, there are three basic facets of punishment: severity, speed, and consistency. Many people associate strict discipline with severe penalties, but that’s actually the least important facet. Researchers have found that severity seems to matter remarkably little and can even be counterproductive: Instead of encouraging virtue, harsh punishments teach the child that life is cruel and that aggression is appropriate. The speed of the punishment is much more important, as researchers have found in working with children as well as with animals. For lab rats to learn from their mistakes, the punishment generally has to occur almost immediately, preferably within a second of the misbehavior. Punishment doesn’t have to be that quick with children, but the longer the delay, the more chance that they’ll have forgotten the infraction and the mental processes that led to it.
    By far the most important facet of punishment—and the most difficult one for parents—is consistency. Ideally, a parent should quickly discipline the child every single time he or she misbehaves, but in a restrained, even mild manner. A stern word or two is often enough as long as it’s done carefully and regularly. This approach can initially be more of a strain on the parents than on the child. They’re tempted to overlook or forgive some misdeed, if only because they’re tired or because it may spoil the pleasant time everyone else is having. Parents may rationalize that they want to be kind; they may even tell each other to be nice and let this one go. But the more vigilant they are early on, the less effort is required in the long run. Consistent discipline tends to produce well-behaved children.
    While parents like Cyndi Paul find it heartbreaking to start imposing discipline, children react well when reprimands are delivered briefly, calmly, and consistently, according to Susan O’Leary, a psychologist who has spent long hours observing toddlers and parents. When parents are inconsistent, when they let an infraction slide, they sometimes try to compensate with an extra-strict punishment for the next one. This requires less self-control on the parents’ part: They can be nice when they feel like it, and then punish severely if they’re feeling angry or the misbehavior is egregious. But imagine how this looks from the child’s point of view. Some days you make a smart remark and the grown-ups all laugh. Other days a similar