Willpower

the crib.
    We’ve seen parents successfully use a variant of this approach when an infant cries to be fed. Instead of immediately feeding the crying child, the mother lets the child know that the signal has been received but then waits for her or him to quiet down before offering the breast or the bottle. Again, it’s hard to ignore the cries at first, and we realize that to some parents it sounds too cruel to even try. But once a child learns to ask for food without going into a crying frenzy, both child and parent end up calmer and happier. The children are learning that they have some power over themselves, that certain kinds of behavior are expected, and that actions have consequences—lessons that will become more and more important as they get older.
    Nearly all experts agree that children need and want clear rules, and that being held accountable for obeying the rules is a vital feature of healthy development. But rules are helpful only if children know them and understand them, so the brighter the line, the better. Nanny Debs likes to call a special meeting to go over her “house rules,” and then she posts a chore list in each child’s bedroom along with a wooden pole that’s used for keeping score. When children make the bed or clean their rooms or wash the dishes, they get to put a colored ring around the pole. Each ring entitles them to fifteen minutes of watching television or playing a video game, up to a total of an hour per day. If they misbehave, they first get a warning, and if they persist, the parent removes one of the rings.
    To keep the rules consistent, parents need to coordinate with each other and with caretakers so that everyone knows what’s expected. When your children are still toddlers, establish a system of rewards and punishments in advance, and when you’re giving either one to a child, explain exactly why. As they get older, it becomes more useful to ask them what goals they have for themselves. Once you hear their ambitions, you can help get there with the right incentives, like making allowance payments contingent on doing chores, or promising bonuses for doing extra work. But to make these financial inducements worthwhile, parents have to show some restraint themselves. Remember the Kims, who gave their daughter Soo the car she wanted, but only after she got into medical school. A teal-blue Toyota Tercel may not sound to you like a dream car, but Soo treasured it, lovingly washing and waxing it for years and years. When it finally broke down and had to be towed away, Soo broke down, too, and started crying. It meant everything to her because she had worked so hard to earn it.
    By age six, some children can start learning to save money, but it’s a struggle, as the psychologist Annette Otto discovered by watching children play a game in which they could save money to buy a desirable toy but also could spend it along the way on other toys and sweets. Many of the six-year-olds spent their money early in the game only to gradually realize that they might not have enough for the toy (and then stopped trying to save at all). In contrast, some nine-year-olds and many twelve-year-olds succeeded by saving first until they reached the amount they wanted, and then began to spend any additional money on treats. To encourage this orientation toward the future, parents can help children open savings accounts, keep track of the bank statements, and set goals and rewards. Research has shown that children who open bank accounts are more likely than others to grow up to be savers. So are children who grow up discussing money with their parents.
    Some parents like to offer cash for good grades; others balk at paying for what children are supposed to be doing anyway. The most compelling argument against these payments is based on what psychologists call the overjustification effect: Rewards turn play into work. More precisely, studies have shown that when people are paid to do things that they like to do, they start to regard the task as paid drudgery. By that logic, wouldn’t paying for grades undermine children’s intrinsic love of learning?
    We’re not convinced by that argument. In the first place, grades are already extrinsic rewards, so inserting money into the arrangement does not change any relevance of the overjustification effect to any intrinsic love of learning. Second, performing well for money is a fact of adult life, so getting money for grades is a reasonable preparation