With Abandon: With or Without, Book 4

tender. “And again and again and again.” His
    voice was soft. It seemed to raise every hair on my body, like the drifting ripple of static electricity.
    “Oh.” I lowered my head to my arm, looked into the serious regard centimeters from my own. Well,
    good luck avoiding him at that distance. I redirected my gaze to his mouth. It was soft and moist and his lips were faintly pink as they shaped his words.
    “You never let me before. Is it a problem?”
    “Uh…no.”
    “You don’t sound sure.”
    I wasn’t sure. That is…the idea turned me on, no denying it. The idea of J.X. taking me, all that
    warmth and strength burying itself in me and making me his own— bizarre thought and yet…definitely a

    turn-on. Which was kind of weird because I’d never liked being fucked. Never enjoyed it. Found it
    uncomfortable, a little painful, and too much like subjugation. And David had felt the same way. So we’d taken turns with it, because that was the fair thing to do, but there had always been that niggling knowledge that both of us were never truly enjoying sex at the same time. That it was always a concession on
    someone’s part.
    J.X. and I hadn’t really fucked since we’d got together. I wasn’t sure what his feelings were now days.
    When we’d first hooked up all those years ago, he’d let me fuck him and he’d accepted without demur my
    refusal to reciprocate.
    I mean, I’d tried to put it in more diplomatic terms than that, but the bottom line was…for me there
    was a bottom line. And I hadn’t planned to cross it. Not for him and not for anyone else. Not ever again. I suppose it was all tied up with my feelings for what had happened with David.
    Maybe it was still tied up with that.
    Although, the truth was, I never had liked it. But recently I’d found the idea not merely acceptable, more and more I’d found myself truly excited by it. Which, frankly, made me sort of uneasy.
    “Talk to me,” J.X. said. My eyes were probably starting to spin—black and white swirls while my
    brain overheated.
    I said, “I know it’s only fair that we…trade off.”
    His brows drew together. “So you don’t like the idea?”
    “No. It’s not that.”
    “Come on, Kit. Tell me what you think.” Not impatient. Coaxing. I think I’d have preferred
    exasperation. Then I could have worked myself into a snit and we could have sidestepped the issue for the time being.
    I rolled onto my back. “I don’t know. It’s never been good for me like that.”
    “Did someone hurt you?”
    Startled, I turned my head. J.X.’s nostrils had a pinched look, his mouth a straight line. I realized he was angry on my behalf. Angry at the idea of this imaginary lover who had hurt me with his careless,
    selfish ways. J.X. not realizing that I had probably been as careless and selfish as any of my lovers. Not that there had been so many of them, though I’d indulged in the usual youthful experimentation before settling down with David.
    “It’s not like that,” I said quickly, and I reached over to stroke his hair back from his serious face. The strands felt like silk—short, cool, black silk—and they clung to my fingers. “I mean it does hurt—”
    “It shouldn’t.”
    “But that’s not really it. I don’t mind a little discomfort if the payoff is worth—” I stopped in time.
    Not really in time, though.
    “But the payoff isn’t worth it?” His tone was absolutely neutral.

    I held his gaze with my own. “I think it would be with you, which is why, for probably the first time
    in my life, I’m starting to fantasize about it.”
    His face softened. “I think I could make it good for you, Kit. I’d make sure nothing hurt you. I’d take care of you every step of the way.” His voice went dark and husky, and he put his hand to my crotch,
    feeling me up through my jeans with an expert, even possessive hand.
    I heard myself make a sound in the back of my throat, and I closed my eyes, focusing on that touch.
    “I love you,” he said, and his mouth covered mine.
    There was a lump in my throat. I wasn’t used to someone…caring so much. It got to me in a way I’d
    never have expected. I made another of those freaky sounds—uncomfortably close to a whimper—and
    thrust against him.
    J.X.’s tongue slipped into my mouth, wet, hot, intrusive. Another thing I’d never been crazy about.
    What can I say? There’s a reason I chose to write about an elderly spinster and her cat. It wasn’t just the,