You Look Different in Real Life

bouldering,” I say, as if I’m so smart that I already figured that out and did not benefit from Rory’s mutant eavesdropping skills.
    It’s Pam who answers. “Yes, we do. It’ll be a little different than I originally planned, because now there’s just four of you, and we can break into two teams.”
    “In the meantime, we’d like to talk to you about Keira leaving,” says Lance.
    On cue, Kenny steps out onto the porch with the boom mic. It’s all so seamless, I wonder for the blink of a second if this was set up and they asked Keira to leave. Right now nothing seems impossible.
    “Can I go in and grab my sunscreen first?” I ask, and don’t wait for an answer before darting inside and upstairs. I walk into my room—the girls’ room—and sit on Keira’s bed. She was here, thinking. Fuming. Planning. The dark and the quiet, making everything seem worse than they really are because they always do. How she was sleepingin a room with two girls she’s known for ten years but doesn’t know at all, and maybe felt more alone than she possibly could have anywhere else.
    Nate’s voice in my head. I have to find out where she went.
    Keira’s face now. Her face from that scene five years ago, of pure and open devastation. Then her face at the campfire. A face that is secrets and hiding and total fear that anyone will find out what you are really thinking and who you really are.
    And maybe there’s some kind of brilliant-plan mojo coming off Keira’s bunk, because suddenly I have one.
    The boulders waiting to be bouldered lie just a mile into the woods, a medium-size rockface set into a steep hill. It’s a pretty spot even if it does make me think of Ian. Nearby, we can hear a creek rushing and a waterfall.
    “I had no idea it was going to be this loud,” says Lance. “We’ll have to mic them two at a time.”
    “That’s fine,” says Pam, removing the crash pad strapped to her back and laying it on the ground. “Because they’re going to climb two at a time.” She motions to a little circle of logs I hadn’t noticed yet, and we take that as our cue to sit. Felix and I share one, and I enjoy watching Nate decide whether or not he’s going to share with Rory or find a spot on his own. Without Keira here he seems floating, untethered. After a few awkward moments, hesits next to Rory. I like this pairing. For the purposes of the film, it will be interesting. Not that I’m thinking about the purposes of the film.
    Once Lance and Kenny have chosen a spot, Leslie again shooting the second camera, Pam continues.
    “This is my favorite part of the programs I do,” she says, looking up at the trees. “Climbing a rock seems like such a simple, even silly thing to do. Why do it? Isn’t that for little kids? We’ll talk more afterward but for now, let me say that this activity is all about teammates being conscious of each other. There’s no winning or losing. There’s just . . . doing.”
    “Winning and losing not there is,” says Felix in his Yoda voice. “Doing, there is just.”
    A burst of cackling laughter from Rory. No doubt in her mind about that being funny.
    Pam smiles too, and then says, “Rory, why don’t you partner with Felix?” She looks at me. “And Justine, you’ll be with Nate.”
    What? No. That’s not right. I need to be with Felix. Felix . So I can talk to him about my idea.
    I glance over to Leslie, who meets it with a raised eyebrow and a sideways smile. Dammit.
    “Who wants to start us off?” asks Pam, and Nate holds up a finger like Keira did last night. Before I know it, Kenny is coming at me with a lavalier mic and I’m avoiding looking at Nate and now we’re at the base of the rockand Pam is talking again and the camera is rolling.
    “I call this Plus One. One of you climbs first, maybe four moves up the rock. The other one has to watch exactly where the footholds and handholds are. Then it’s that person’s turn to climb the same sequence, but you’re going to add one more. Then the first person goes again, and adds one to that. You have to pick a move that you know the other person can do. Help each other, remind each other of the sequence. The goal is for both of you to make it to the top with the sequence you’ve come up with together.” She turns to Felix and Rory. “Now, you two need to go someplace where you can’t see them. We don’t want you using the same moves when it’s your turn.”
    Felix and Rory glance awkwardly at each other for