You Suck: A Love Story

and cut the head off a sleeping old guy, anyway? It’s not like they wake up. I mean, we bonked Flood’s head on the steps going to Jared’s room like eight times and he didn’t even groan.
    So I would have been all good and totally in line to be Princess of Darkness or at least Assistant Manager of Darkness, except when I was going up the steps I heard the dryer open. And I was all, Uh-oh. Since when is sundown like at five-o’clock? What am I, nine years old that I should have sunset at five o’clock? Sunset shouldn’t be until like eight or nine o’clock, right? Right?
    So, I’m like, WHOA. And I froze. And I stood there for like a half an hour, not moving at all, because I didn’t buckle like the top buckles of Jared’s motocross boots, to show my casual badassness, so it was like I was wearing fucking sleigh bells. (I know, I’m a tard.) So I couldn’t move.
    Then, after about a year, I hear this car pull up outside and the doors open, and I’m thinking-Hello, Diversion, my old friend. And I ran out the security door and right into this tall blond ho. And she’s dressed all couture and shit, like it’s fashion week at church or something, except she’s with three of the guys from the Hummer limo, and she’s pale as albino monkey cum. And I don’t mean in a good way either. I mean in a sort of “Hey, Myrtle Joe Cornfed, y’all let go your stepdaddy’s penis and get over here and turn the channel to NASCAR” kind of way. I mean, she had no mascara on at all!
    Then she just picks me up by the arms and it hurt a lot, and I’m like kicking and thrashing and all, and she throws back her head and here come the fangs.
    And I’m all, “No way. They’ll just let any-fucking-body into the coven.”
    And she’s all, “Not you. Unless you know where my money is.”
    And I’m all, “Step off, skank.”
    And she goes to bite me, and something yanks her back off her feet and I go flying.
    Next thing, I’m looking up at the old vampyre in his yellow tracksuit, who is holding the blond ho by the hair, and the pale limo guys are like coming in on him. And Tracksuit is all, “Against the rules, pet. You can’t go willy-nilly turning everyone you meet. It attracts the wrong kind of attention.”
    And wham, he smacks her face on the hood of her Mercedes, leaving a face print on the paint, I swear on the crusty hippie grave of my mother.
    So I’m all, “Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!” Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the appropriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.) So they all turn on me. And I’m all, “awkward.” So I started backing across the street. And crusty old vampyre bounces monkey cum’s face off the hood of the Mercedes a couple of more times, then drops her and comes for me. The limo guys are all sort of standing by the car like they are waiting for instructions or something. Then one of them says, “Hey,” and starts coming my way, too.
    So I’m at the wall across the street, and I know I can’t run, so I reach into my bag and pull Jared’s dagger. And Tracksuit starts laughing-like really stoner laughing, pointing at my ensemble.
    And I was all, “Shut up, fuckface, this knife and boots totally go with fishnets.” Except for the Countess, I realize now that vampyres lose all fashion sense at death.
    But then I hear this really loud thumper coming from down the alley, like club music you can feel in your breastbone, and this totally race-pimped yellow Honda comes screaming out of the alley. Who knew you could even get a car down that alley.
    So the old vampyre has to jump back to avoid being run over and the limo guys jump back, and I was kind of hiding my head in my arms, but I hear, “Get in,” and it’s the cool Manga-haired Asian guy who I’d seen outside the loft before.
    And I’m all, “What?” Because the music is really loud.
    And he’s all, “Get in.”
    And I’m all, “What?”
    And by this time the old vampyre has jumped over the hood of the Honda and is about to grab me when there’s this flash. Really more than a flash, because it stayed on. But there was this blinding light. And the music goes down and I hear, “Get in.”
    So I look into the light, and I’m like, “Grandma, is that you?”
    Okay, I didn’t say that. I’m totally fucking with you. I looked into the light and saw the Manga-haired guy, wearing sunglasses, and he’s waving