You Suck: A Love Story

you.”
    And I was like, “You live at home?”
    And he was all, “Well, uh, yeah, uh, kinda, uh-”
    So I grabbed the pen out of his pocket and wrote my cell number on his arm while he stuttered, then when I put the pen back I kissed him sort of hard and totally passionately, which I could tell he liked a lot, so I pushed him away and slapped him so he wouldn’t think I was a slut. But not very hard, so he wouldn’t think I wasn’t interested.
    And I was all, “Call me.”
    And he was all, “I will.”
    So I was like, “Do not fuck with your hair.”
    And he was all, “Okay.”
    And I was all, “Be careful.”
    And he was all, “I will. You, too.”
    And I was all, “Oh, yeah, thanks for the rescue and whatnot.”
    And he was all, “Sure. Thanks for the kiss.”
    And so I am his shameless White Devil Juliet and he is my sweet Ninja Romeo (unless Ninjas are also Japanese, in which case I will have to look some shit up for metaphors because the only thing Chinese I can think of right now is Dim Sum, and I believe it’s disrespectful to refer to your soul mate in terms of finger food).
    Fucksocks! My cell. Jared. L8rz.

27 – Well, That Was Fucked Up
    Then, Lucifer Two attains the blood sword and takes Jared the White as his consort, and they hold dominion over all of the Kindred for ever and ever,” said Jared White Wolf, concluding the hour-long plot synopsis of his unwritten epic vampire adventure novel. “So what do you think?”
    “I really liked it, but I think you may need to work on the characters more,” Tommy said, flexing his writer muscles a little. It helped him to not think about the thirst that was rising in him.
    Jared looked to Jody, and raised a drawn-on eyebrow.
    “I think we must get out of this basement right now,” Jody said, “and if that means murdering your parents and little sisters, well, you don’t make an omelet-”
    “But what did you think of my novel?” Jared said.
    “I think it’s not a novel, it’s a sexual fantasy about you and your rat.”
    “It is not. That’s just the characters’ names.”
    “Try Abby’s cell again, Jared.” Jody was gritting her teeth.
    “Tell her to get back here,” Tommy said. He was starting to get cramps from the blood thirst.
    “Hold on, I get shit reception down here.” Jared took his cell and his rat and headed out the door and up the steps.
    When he was gone, Tommy turned to Jody. “I’m really feeling the hunger.”
    “Me, too.”
    “Should we maybe just, you know, sample Jared?”
    “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
    “Well,” Tommy said. “William is in the hospital, and we don’t know where Abby is, and I don’t see as we have that many options.”
    “Tommy, let’s just walk out of here. What’s the worst that can happen? We shock Jared’s parents? I get the feeling they may be desensitized.”
    “That’s fine, but then where do we go tomorrow? A hotel? I guess, if we get the money, we can have Abby guard the door to keep the maid from coming in and frying us.” Tommy brightened. “Hey, maybe Abby grabbed some money from the loft?”
    “Abby might not even be alive,” Jody said, more than just irritation in her voice now. “You know how Elijah was going to kill you to fuck with me? If he’s been watching us, he has to know about Abby. She’ll be next. We should have left here right away. I feel horrible for leaving her out there alone.”
    “She went right to him.” Tommy cradled his head in hands. “I hate this, Jody. Why did you do this to me? It could have worked. I could have looked out for you and had a real life. Now I just live from feeding to feeding, putting people in danger. Everyone wants to kill us or take something from us. I’m fromIndiana, they don’t prepare us for this kind of thing in theMidwest.”
    Jody slid off the bed to the floor and sat next to him, put her arm around his shoulders. “It’s not like that, Tommy. We’re like gods. Sure, we have to hunt, but if you let go to the predator part of you, you’ll lose that anxious feeling. You have to feel the power of it.”
    “Power? What power? I was ready to have the rat as a snack.”
    “Well, you can have the rat if you need him, because that little fucker is creepy.”
    Tommy pulled away from her. “Don’t.”
    Jared came through the door then, pumping his inhaler. “Oh my God! Oh my God! She met the hottest guy who is a ninja, and they’re like totally into each other. And those guys you told