Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

talking to them about why you work so hard and how difficult it is to be away from them. You can also be sure that you spend as much quality time as possible with your children so they getthe real message loud and clear: You love them more than anything. You’re also modeling the meta-message of how life works: When you grow up there are things you want to do (e.g., be with your children) and there are things that you must do (e.g., support your family).
    Also, as mentioned earlier, children have different learning styles that will affect their receptivity to your messages. As your children develop, you will get a sense of what their learning strengths are. With this knowledge, you can tailor your messages to fit their particular style. For instance, let’s say you want to send your toddler the message to bring his bowl to the sink after a meal. For an auditory learner, you might explain to him what you want, whereas with a visual learner, you might show him what to do. A disconnect in these areas can doom your message even before it is sent.
    Your children also have different temperaments, each of which can affect whether and how they pick up the messages you send them. You should consider your children’s inborn temperament when you send messages; are your children stubborn and controlling, or do they have difficulty paying attention? For example, an emotionally sensitive child may be more vulnerable to conflicting, inconsistent, or emotional messages than one who is more stoic.
    These examples illustrate the importance of using as many conduits as possible to communicate messages. Because there are so many factors that affect whether your children get the right message, increasing the number of ways you express a message improves the chances that your children will get the message you intend.
INFREQUENT MESSAGES: “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?”
     
    Messages can have a powerful impact on children, if they get through. Some messages are so potent they can get through with just one or two expressions. For example, children don’t need to touch a hot stove twice to get the message to stay away from it. Butwith most messages, the more you “click the send button,” the better the chance your children will get them. So if you don’t send your children a message with sufficient frequency, it may not sink in.
    Everyday life, for most parents, is incredibly busy, with a long list of daily priorities including work, meals, housekeeping, family care, and shopping. And because you’re so busy, it’s easy for your messages to fall through the cracks. As you’re dashing around with too long a to-do list and not enough hours in the day, you might fleetingly think that you’ll get to those important messages. But, because family life rarely slows down, such messages continue to be pushed further down the priority list until they are no longer on it.
    Here’s what is necessary to keep your messaging on track and consistent: You need to keep your messaging on your radar screen as much as possible. Clear the clutter off your fridge and post the important messages that you want to send your children. On your smartphone, set an alarm to remind you throughout the day. Have your spouse prompt you on a regular basis and do the same for him or her.
    The nice thing about the catchphrases, routines and rituals, and activities that I’ll describe later in
Your Children Are Listening
is that you will have many tools in your “message toolbox” readily available with which to communicate your messages. These tools also allow your messages to become so woven into the fabric of your family’s lives that the messages become automatic. You don’t need to constantly remind yourself. You don’t have to think about them at all. It’s just what you do.
TOO MANY MESSAGES: “DO THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER THING.”
     
    One thing you have to be careful of when you commit to conscious messaging is message overload, in other words, trying to convey too many messages to your children at one time. You may get soexcited about all of the great messages you can communicate to your children that you start hurling as many messages as possible at them at once. Several problems arise when you become overzealous about sending messages to your children. First, the messages, rather than being distinct, may amass into an incomprehensible jumble that loses all of its value. Second, your children may be so bombarded by messages that they won’t