Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

outcome goals. Goals are very different from expectations.Outcome expectations are often set by parents and placed in front of their children without their consultation or “buy-in.” For example, “We expect you to get straight A’s in school,” or “We expect you to win the state tennis championships.” There is almost always an implied threat with outcome expectations: “If you don’t live up to our expectations, we won’t love you.” And kids often feel dragged—sometimes kicking and screaming—toward those expectations. Children have no ownership of expectations and little motivation to fulfill them, apart from that implied threat from their parents. When I ask children about expectations, they usually grimace and send a very clear message, “That’s when my parents get really serious, and I know they’re gonna put pressure on me,” or “They’re telling me what to do, and I better do it or I’ll get into trouble.” Not exactly “feel-good” parenting! The message of outcome expectations is also black and white; your children either meet the expectation and succeed or they don’t and they fail. So there is very little opportunity for success and lots of room for failure.
    Goals are very different. Humans are wired to want to pursue goals; this instinct has contributed to our survival. And one of the great joys in life is to set, work toward, and achieve a goal. Children have ownership of their goals and want to set and strive toward goals for themselves, with guidance from parents, teachers, and coaches. For example, “I want to aim for straight A’s this semester,” or “I’m going to do everything I can to get the lead in the school play.” One great thing about goals is that they aren’t black and white, but are about degree of attainment. Not every goal can be achieved, but there will almost always be improvement toward a goal, and that progress defines success. So if children give their best effort, there is little chance of failure and great opportunity for success. When I ask kids about goals, they convey a very different message. Their faces perk up and they say things like, “It means I decide to do something, and I really work hard to do it,” or “I feel like my parents are really behind me, and I’m psyched to do it.”
    For example, if a child’s parents establish an outcome expectation of raising her math grade from an 80 to a 92 during the school year, and she only improves her grade to an 89, then she will have failed to meet the outcome expectation. But if she had set an outcome goal of a 92, even though that goal isn’t fully realized, she will still see the 89 as a success because of the substantial improvement she made over her previous grade.
    Many parents believe that results at a young age are imperative, so they send a meta-message that results are important by placing outcome expectations on their children. Yet childhood is about learning, improving, developing, and gaining the values, attitudes, and competencies necessary for later success. When you send messages about goals rather than expectations to your children, you foster rather than inhibit their sense of competence.
    But even outcome goals aren’t ideal. Many parents think that focusing on the outcome will increase the chances of that outcome occurring, but the opposite is actually true. Here’s why. When does the outcome of a performance occur (e.g., in an exam or a sports competition)? At the end, of course. And if children are focusing on the end of the performance, what are they not focusing on? Well, the process, obviously. Here’s the irony. By focusing on the process rather than the outcome, your children will more likely perform better, and if they perform better, they’re more likely to achieve the outcome you wanted in the first place. Also, why do children get nervous before a test, sporting event, or recital? Because they’re afraid of the outcome, more specifically, they’re afraid of failure. So if they are focused on the outcome, they’re going to get nervous and, as a result, will be less likely to perform well and achieve the outcome you wanted for them.
    So if you’re going to send messages about outcome somethings, make sure they are outcome goals, but then immediately send other messages that encourage your children to focus on the process—that is, what they need to do to demonstrate their competence and achieve the outcome goals.
Effort Expectations
     
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