Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

people, and others being dependent on them. When children learn the lesson of interdependence, they gain an appreciation for the connectedness between people, which in turn lays the foundation for valuing compassion in their lives.
WHO COMPASSIONATE CHILDREN BECOME
     
    Compassion is a powerful attribute because it is the wellspring of so many other special qualities—such as kindness, love, generosity, and charity—that not only help your children become just plaindecent people, but also will serve them well in many aspects of their lives.
    Compassionate children are gentle, considerate, and sympathetic. They are responsive to others’ needs, helpful, and motivated to do good. Compassionate children are also generous and willing to give of themselves to others. Children who are able to express compassion are loved, valued, and respected, and when they grow up, they become extraordinary friends, coworkers, spouses, and parents. What makes compassion so wonderful for children is that it is a win-win for those involved. The giver feels the satisfaction of giving, and the receiver expresses appreciation and will likely reciprocate in some way, both with the giver and with others.
CATCHPHRASES FOR COMPASSION
     
    The catchphrase that we use to encourage compassion in Catie and Gracie is “sharing is caring.” I must admit that I didn’t make this one up. Rather, I stole it from my good friend, Dr. Glen Galaich, who was using it with his daughter (I did get his permission to steal the phrase from him). When our girls were very young and were sharing with each other or someone else (or when they weren’t!), we would tell them that “sharing is caring.” As they got older, when they shared (or should have shared), I asked them, “Why do we share?” and they would respond, “Because sharing is caring.” We even heard them tell their friends who weren’t sharing that sharing is caring. Catie and Gracie have also taken ownership of our catchphrase by being playful with it. When I ask them why we share, they will now say something like “Garing is laring” or “Haring is maring” and get a real kick out of it. But the important thing is that they know what it means. Now “sharing is caring” has become a part of our family’s vocabulary and a constant reminder of the importance of compassion and generosity.
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    CATCHPHRASES FOR COMPASSION
     
“Sharing is caring.”
“Sorry is kind.”
“Feel what they feel.”
“Walk in their shoes.”
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    Sonya and Ned have always felt that the most important time to be compassionate is when people (children and adults) do something wrong or hurt someone. That is obviously a frequent occurrence with children, whether they are hitting, saying something mean, or not sharing. Their catchphrase for compassion is “Sorry is kind.” Whenever one of their three children hurts a sibling or takes something from them, they have to say “I’m sorry for [add offense here], I wasn’t being kind.” If the child physically hurt someone, they have to give that person a gentle touch as well.
    Rose believes that compassion arises from empathy, so she created a catchphrase, “Feel what they feel,” to help her son understand how others may feel when he isn’t kind. Whenever he did something that was unkind, for example, not sharing, she would say the catchphrase and then ask him “How would you feel if you wanted to play with a friend’s toy, but he didn’t want to share with you?” and “How would your friend feel if you shared with her?”
    Ellen and Kristo also believe that empathy is the key to compassion and use a catchphrase with the same meaning as Rose’s. When their two daughters start blaming each other for something, Ellen and Kristo tell them to “Walk in their shoes.” The idea is that if each of them can put on her sister’s shoes, each can see her sister’s perspective and understand why she is reacting as she is. One of the funniest things that emerged out of this catchphrase is that, on several occasions, the two sisters actually exchanged shoes and the conflict was resolved.
ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR COMPASSION
     
    Your family life is rife with rituals that can send messages of compassion, kindness, and generosity to your children. When you sitdown for a meal, you are sharing your food and each other’s company. When you hug and kiss your children good night, you are sharing your love. When you play games together, you are sharing your time.